Revisiting the Past - My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1 (1983-2009)
Pain and Hurt...
It's such a feeling
Deep inside
A lonely feeling
No place to hide
The hurt is there
Both day and night
There for no reason
But just in spite
I try to forget
The troubles I face
From day to day
From place to place
Such a feeling
What does it mean
Is it there for a reason
Or for anything
My friends they think I'm moody
And in fact they're right
But what they do not know
Is that I'm putting up a fight
A fight not like most others
But one inside my heart
One that has been hurting
From the very start
It's hard to say
Or explain what I feel
The hurt that's inside
The pain that's so real
I hope you understand
Just what I'm trying to say
The pain is deep inside
And there it has to stay
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Smile...
Smile when you're feeling down
Smile when you feel like a clown
Smile always every day
Smile those sad tears away
Smile to feel happy
Smile to feel good
Smile every chance you get
Everyone really should
I know sometimes it's hard
But do your best and try
Because it's sad for those who care
And it hurts to see you cry
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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You Were There...
When I needed you
You were there
When I cried out at night after a terrible dream
You were there
When I thought the ropes of life
Were trying to tie me down
You were there to set me free
Before I ever knew You
You were right behind me
Waiting to pick me up if I fell
You have always been here
With me and for me
You have never let me down
You've let me know I can trust You
In ways no one else has tried
You've shown how much You love me
When on the cross for me You died
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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All I Ever Wanted...
All I ever wanted
Was a place I could call home
A place I could feel safe
And not so all alone
All I ever wanted
Was a loving hug or two
But mostly what I felt I got
Was hurt and neglect from you
The pain from words and welts and bruises
Soon was nothing new
But the scars they left behind
Are there yet not to view
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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We Must Continue to Climb...
Life is nothing more
Than an extended period of time
With many roads untraveled
With many mountains to climb
We set our goals not knowing
If ever those goals we will meet
Yet we keep on reaching higher
Not willing to face defeat
We gladly face the challenge
As we muster our strength from within
We take a deep breath and sigh a bit
As our journey through life we begin
We know there will be some struggles
For those mountains we climb may be high
But our goals we surely will never reach
If we choose to not even try
So, although our roads may be long
And we're sure to tire through time
Just remember that to reach our goals
We must always continue to climb
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Lost in Thought...
Every day
Longer yet somehow shorter than the day before
Decisions to make
Unseen results from choice or fate
Wanting to rest
From life's weary tests
Direction -
Coming and going
Without knowing where or even why
Each day a gift
A world to explore
Life's tragedies
To learn from or abhor
Challenges to face
So much to endure
Needing rest
Yet wanting more
Wondering if the day after
Will be as it was the day before
This is my life
Nothing less and nothing more
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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I Might Choose Suicide...
It's dark in here
So hard to see
The choice that's best
To make for me
Would anyone notice
If I weren't here
My heart's so full
Of pain and fear
A sensitive soul
This time around
I try to speak
But there's never a sound
Shall I bandage my wrist
Perhaps that will do
A silent attempt
To talk to you
To make the choice
I must confide
Will result from what
My heart won't hide
How do I tell you
How I struggle inside
With the fear that someday
I might choose suicide
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Personal collection
Sticks and Stones...
Sticks and stones
Bruise and break bones
While mean words pierce the heart
When heard at a young age
Such words set the stage
For a lifetime filled with hurt
You laugh as I cry
Then wonder why
What I feel for you is disdain
I wish that just once
You could feel what I feel
But I doubt you could handle the pain
While your life goes on
I am the one
About whose feelings you didn't care
Now I am left
To try and mend
My heart that's in need of repair
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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I Am Me...
To you I'm like a stone
Something to be skipped, tossed or thrown
To you, I'm like a stone
To you I'm like a little thing
Seldom ever looked at and never really seen
To you, I'm like a little thing
To you I'm like a rock
Something to be kicked, picked up and then dropped
To you, I'm like a rock
I am what you don't see
There's a gem inside and it's me
I am what you don't see
Like the diamond that started out as a stone
The value of which took time to be known
My worth in this world will someday be shown
Like a piece of sand that becomes a great pearl
Through will and sheer persistence, you'll see
I am no longer a helpless little girl...I am me
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
Image:
Personal collection
A Dream...
Life -
Like quicksand
In which I stand
Sinking, sinking
With each breath I take
Each slight move I make
I am pulled further down
Slowly I shall drown
The smell surrounds me
The muck, the mire
Life
Here but only for awhile
The crushing of my body
The muddy weight of earth's black hole
Holding me
Drawing the life from me
To fight is to die
To wait is to die
So how do I get by
This certain death that awaits me
With each breath I take
Slowly I awake
A dream
Ah, but a dream
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Mysterious One...
Who are you mysterious one
With the dark eyes I no longer recognize
Whose reflection do I see
Looking empty staring back at me
No longer round
Your eyes shape and size
What is this I see
Suddenly so unfamiliar to me
Searching this looking glass
Your answers belie
Who am I looking at
'tis no longer I
Fear is setting in
Not knowing what I should do
I never thought that we would meet
Now you're giving me a glimpse of you
Who are you that possess my soul
Some distant pain, evil or woe
Your job has finally come to an end
Now we must both find a way to let go
Were you my protector
My friend or foe
Did you keep my mind safe
All those years ago
I fear you now
This new face you're showing
I stand here in shock
My anxiety growing
We must part ways
Your job here is through
You were always a part of me
The pain I felt You always knew
I'm letting you go
You've done your job well
Walking me safely into life
From a lifetime of hell
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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The Executioner...
When will it stop
This overwhelming ache which feasts on my heart
Slowly it sucks the life-blood from me
Like a leech on a wounded animal
Its presence a constant reminder
Of the impending death that is sure to follow
The sound is deafening within my heart
Yet it is silent
As if it exists within a vacuum
I feel its existence
Which seems known only to me
A cross I was somehow cursed to bear
I search my soul for answers
But I find none
I search the faces of others
Wondering if I suffer this fate alone
It's a constant battle
A war that never seems to end
It's wearing me down slowly
Quietly
The silence
A death sentence waiting to be served
But what crime did I commit
I know not who was the judge
Nor whom the jury
But life -
The executioner
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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The Beast is at My Door...
The beast is at my door
I've seen His face before
Though different every time
He has only one thing in mind
He wants to see me fall
My faith come crashing down
However what He's yet to learn
My courage will always abound
My journey's been long and hard
Through fire I've forged my strength
With every trial I grow stronger
Though the beast would like me weak
The beast is at my door
He has evil for a soul
With deception in His eyes
He attempts to lead me astray with lies
The beast is at my door
And He's determined to get in
But again I'll call on my faith and strength
And I'll defeat Him in the end
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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And So, the Journey Goes...
She counted all our fingers
She counted all our toes
As each she brought us into this world
And so, the journey goes
She watched us crawl
She watched us grow
Fixed the sleeves inside our coats
Before letting us play in the snow
She had the warmest smile
A heart more precious than gold
And when it came to doing laundry
There was a right and wrong way to fold!
All through our lives
Her lessons were strong
Still as adults came reminders
To "Put clean underwear on"
We had our differences
Struggles to work through
Yet never having to wonder
How deep her love ran true
Her time to rest has come
Her life of teaching done
If ever asked who raised us so well
We will proudly say she was the one
And so the journey goes
As now we must carry on
But not without a lifetime of thanks
And we owe it all to mom!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
Image:
Personal collection
I Wear A Mask, Who Am I...
I wear a mask
To hide my pain
Who am I?
I wear a mask
To hide countless tears cried in vain
Who am I?
I wear a mask
To hide those things I fear
Who am I?
I wear a mask
Who am I?
I am the child
That needed to feel loved
I am the adult
That's unsure how to love
I am the teenager
Who pushed those I cared about away
I am the adult that holds on so tight
Those I love find it hard to stay
I wear a mask
To hide my pain
I wear a mask
To hide countless tears cried in vain
I wear a mask
To hide those things I fear
I wear a mask
Who am I?
I am your friend
I am the one who thought suicide was a means to an end
I am the one who drinks alone
I am the one, you remember
We spoke on the phone
I wear a mask
That's hard to see
I wear a mask to protect me
Who am I?
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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There Is A Plan For You...
Now I think
I finally see
There really is
A plan for me
The life I thought
Had been a mistake
I'm finding now
Was my journey to make
Each path I've traveled
Every choice I have made
Has held for me the lesson
I don't have to be afraid
Every tear I've cried
Has had a purpose too
During this life long journey
Leading me to you
There will always be some trials
Some tribulations too
But deep down in your heart please know
There is a plan for you
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Seasons of Life...
The autumn leaves are turning now
Their colors warm and bright
It's an irony to behold you see
Their beauty and end of life
Soon the trees will be all bare
Naked branches all around
The sign of life and death
Scattered about the ground
The leaves which were once so beautiful
Shades of red, yellow and gold
Their destiny in life too short
Are now dirty, gray and old
The northern winds are blowing
Winter starts as fall must end
Leading us slowly into another season
A season where life begins
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
Image:
https://medium.com/tree-bath/how-fall-foliage-can-affect-our-mental-health-7c1ffc6e2732
The Fragile Me...
I let you see the fragile me
My vulnerable-ability
The fear that pushes me to flee
From a past so often unkind to me
I let you see a part of me
That even I am still afraid to see
Despite this harsh reality
You saw my pain and were kind to me
My deepest hurts
Like steel chains unseen
Keeping me bound
As if to some bad dream
These walls I try
So hard to bring down
Like a dirt trodden path
To my old stomping ground
A nightmare of sorts
Those thoughts fill my head
Refusing to leave
They lay dormant not dead
They lurk in the shadows
Just waiting to pounce
To steal my joy
Refusing to leave an ounce
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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...And Then, I Got Older...
I was just a little thing
When I came into this world
Helpless in so many ways
Unable to speak a word
...and then, I got older
When I was a few years older
Not more than three or four
I cried until I couldn't breathe
As my daddy went off to war
...and then, I got older
When I was ten or eleven
I loved both my mom and dad
But with age my hormones were starting to rage
And my parents were making me mad
...and then, I got older
Not long after I turned sixteen
I felt my world was falling apart
I thought about taking some drugs
To stop the beating of my heart
...and then, I got older
Slowly I turned thirty
Often wanting my life to end
Doubting I'd be able to find the strength
To face another new day again
...and then, I got older
Only months after I turned forty
My mother took her last breath
And I realized when she passed away
There is no joy to be found in death
...and then, I got older
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Angry Words...
Angry words spoken
In the heat of a fight
Standing your ground
Though you know you're not right
Spewing out insults
As quick as you can
Inflicting deep wounds
Without raising a hand
The mean things you say
The harsh words you use
Combined with "I love you"
Only serve to confuse
The sight of me crying
Seems to bring you delight
Every teardrop that falls
Is like fuel for the fight
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Hush My Soul...
Hush my soul
The pain you bear
As darkness falls
Your silent fear
Hush my soul
Those sad tears
Lost love mourned
'Ore so many years
Hush my soul
Your burning heartache
The emptiness you feel
This road that's yours to take
Hush my soul
When desire is yours to end
The life that you've been given
Wondering why it ever began
Hush my soul
When death knocks at your door
This battle you must win
You must deny the reaper once more
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Contemplation...
There's darkness in my heart
I seem to exist without feeling
As if frozen in time
I move yet somehow feel inanimate
I wonder what you see when you look at me
Do you look beneath my dying surface
Do you hear my hidden soul crying out for answers
Do you notice me at all
I feel a cold chill enter this shell that is my body
I wonder if my existence was a mistake
I contemplate life
My origin and my destiny
What is the purpose of life
What is its value
Who determines our worth
Does it increase or become less valuable with time
Would the world have been different without me
One less ripple in the ocean of life
What time on the clock of life will be mine
What shall be my lot
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Big City Blues...
I'm destitute
But I'm resolute
To change some of my ways
Gonna try and undo
Some of the things I've done
In search of better days
There's holes in the tops
There's holes in the soles
Of my worn-out pair of shoes
From spending my life
Walkin' 'round this town
Tryin' to lose these big city blues
I've seen lots of places
On some run-down faces
Some places even I've never been
Wondered what it'd be like
To spend the night
At someone's house or a Holidy Inn
But tonight I'll sleep on a sidewalk
Just me and some of my friends
And tomorrow if I wake up
I'll start walking these streets again
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Some Blessings of Life...
Ice cream on
A hot summer's day
Hot chocolate to warm
Winter chills away
The sun on my face
While in the water I play
A two hour nap
In the middle of the day
An unexpected call
From a long lost friend
Being surprised by the way
A good movie did end
Taking a long walk
On a clear quiet night
Only moon and stars
As my guiding light
The smell of a puppy's breath
Soon after it's born
The excitement of children
On a snowy Christmas morn'
These are just some
Of the blessings of life
A few simple things
That bring me delight
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Paralyzed by Fear...
The bitter cold of winter
Creeps silently through my veins
Burning my body with numbing pain
In the dark of night
I sit quietly alone
Paralyzed by fear of the unknown
What evil lurks in the darkness
Waiting to dine upon my flesh
Anxiously waiting to steal my last breath
How is it that I came to be
Afraid to show my face
I feel my heart beginning to race
I'm growing weary
I feel the end is near
My thoughts seem scattered and unclear
I hear a loud noise as I gasp for air
I awake to my alarm clock
There's no longer a need for fear
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Now That You're Gone...
I've thought of you often
More now that you're gone
Remembering our past
The things we did wrong
We were never as close
As we could have been
You were always my mother
But never really my friend
You let me down
I let you down too
But there was so much about me
Things I wonder if you knew
Did you feel my pain
When I cried all alone
In the dark of my bedroom
In the house you called home
Could you sense the hurt
Filling my heart all along
Were you aware that I felt
As though I didn't belong
Did you care that your words
Sometimes cut like a knife
The hurtful things you've said
I've carried around all my life
I have to admit
I made mistakes too
For so long I refused
Just to say, "I love you"
There was hate in my heart
That hate was toward you
I felt so ashamed
I felt you hated me too
As time passed slowly
My love for you grew
I could finally offer freely
The words, "I love you"
How could I have known
While on the hospital bed you lay
Soon I'd be left to regret
The things I never took time to say
In the blink of an eye
Your life came to an end
You died as my mother
And in many ways, as a friend
I hope someday I'll see you again
For in this world you could no longer wait
Should I be blessed to enter Heaven, Mom
I pray you'll meet me at the gate
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Mamma's Christmas Tree...
Mamma made Christmas special
Starting with a tree that was green and bare
She turned it into the most beautiful sight
Complete with tinsel and Angel hair
I watched with sheer amazement
As she would decorate the tree
Every ornament was placed just right
A sight for all to see
She worked with an artist's eye
As each ornament she hung
Making sure each and every branch
Was graced with at least one
When it came to stringing the lights
She had a knack it's true
Regardless if the lights were of many colors
Or just a solid blue
When Christmas morning came
Underneath the tree there would be
The most perfectly wrapped presents
For all in our family
Yes, Mamma made Christmas special
Starting with a tree that was green and bare
She turned it into the most beautiful sight
Complete with tinsel and Angel hair
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Wild Innocence...
The gentle spirit
Of child and horse
Drawn together
By nature's force
A silent curiosity
To each unknown
Belonging together
They're never alone
The darkest eyes
The quietest nay
As child giggles
In mutual play
A pat on the head
A nudge from his nose
Trying to get closer
He stands on his toes
A heartfelt respect
Between horse and child
Both of them tame
Both of them wild
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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You're Not Just Along for the Ride...
When life gets you down
As it sometimes will
When your road in life
Seems all up hill
When you're tired of existing
In a world full of lies
When you want to be selfish
Choose compromise
When disgust fills your heart
From hurt and dismay
When life gets you down
Go on anyway
When you see the pain
In another's eyes
When it's no longer the old
But the young who are wise
When you want to give up
And call it a day
Instead of throwing in the towel
Wipe your tears away
When the fear of the unknown
Tries to hold you back
When you feel like breaking down
Instead choose to laugh
Listen to your soul
As it leads the way
Giving you courage to face
Yet another day
Listen to your soul
That voice deep inside
A soft constant reminder
You're not just along for the ride
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Disconnected...
Disconnected
All ties cut
Lump in my throat
Knot in my gut
Eyes burning
Countless tears fall
No choices left
My back's to the wall
Breath is short
Gasping for air
Head is hurting
So full of fear
Want to hold on
Have to let go
So many questions
Things I'll never know
Honoring you
Taking care of me
Lessons in life
Don't come for free
Looking for answers
Wondering why
Don't want to give up
Though it's futile to try
Totally confused
Sitting alone I cry
You gave no reason
When you said good-bye
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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My Patchwork Heart...
How many patches
'til it's no longer mine
This heart that's been mended
So many times
How many cuts
Deep, shallow and through
Sewing each one closed
Turning my red heart to blue
How much suffering
How much pain must I bear
Carefully hiding each wound
Trying to pretend they aren't there
Each patch comes together
Trying hard to restore
My torn tattered heart
So I can go on once more
When is it no longer
My heart anymore
Covered by layers of patches
Mentally preparing for more
My patchwork heart
So tattered and torn
Like an old pair of jeans
So heavily worn
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Music...
Music...
Like warmth to my heart
Like peace to my soul
Fills my spirit with joy
Makes my life whole
Music...
Like magic it transports me
Back in time
Easily bringing
Lost memories to mind
Music...
Makes me laugh
Makes me cry
Picks me up when I'm down
Gives me wings to fly
Music...
A soothing voice
Deep inside
A place I know
I can safely hide
Music...
Never judging me
For choices I've made
Knows who I am
Yet comforts anyway
Music...
Often conveys
The things that I feel
Its mysterious workings
So oftern surreal
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Kindness Matters...
Kindness matters
On our journey through life
Kindness matters
When faced with strife
Kindness matters
When depression hits
When feeling abandoned and alone
Kindness matters quite a bit
Kindness matters
When we struggle with a chore
When it's an elderly person needing help
Kindness matters even more
Kindness matters
When someone if afraid
Kindness matters
To the child selling lemonade
Kindness matters
Each and every day
It's important to show kindness
In every possible way
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Is Anything Really What it Seems...
Is anything in life
Ever really what it seems
Is perception really reality
Are dreams really dreams
Is a lie just the truth
Stretched as far as it can be
When you look at something with someone else
Do you really see what they see
A sworn eyewitness account
Of a crime that just occurred
Would likely be as accurate
As someone deaf recalling what they heard
Does space go on forever
Or have we just not found its end
When death takes us out of this world
Do we start all over again
If you saw a pool of water
In the middle of the desserts heat
Would you think it just a mirage
Would you move toward it or in doubt retreat
What if life as we know it
Was really some larger entity's dream
And everything we think we know
Is just part of the dreamer's scheme
Would you play your part any differently
Is there another role you'd like to play
Or would you sit in constant fear
Wondering if the entity will awake today
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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When Memories Fade...
When my memories fade
I wonder where they go
The names and faces and special places
I thought I'd always know
Looking at faded pictures
Of life long ago I see
A smile that looks familiar
Staring back at me
Why do my memories fade
Those memories I used to adore
Precious moments from long ago
Could it be to make room for more
When my memories fade
I wonder where they go
Are they lost in timeless space
Or do they become the core of my soul
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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Ashes to Ashes...
I replied with, "We would kill each other"
That's when we both started to laugh
When you asked if I'd let you live with me
Should something ever happen to Dad
There was truth behind those words I spoke
And we both knew it was true
As there existed a love hate relationship
For a long time between me and you
As time went by
It was our love that wouldn't die
Our discontent with each other was through
Then much too fast
Your time on earth passed
And I've never stopped missing you
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
The result for us all
Not a choice but a must
Such was the case
As your soul shared life's space
Back to ashes and dust you flit
The irony I'd see
Is that your last joke was on me
For on my mantle your ashes now sit
By: T.J. Christoff ©
My Patchwork Heart: Vol. 1
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