Author of My Soul: Vol. 1 (2020-2024)
Dedicated
Although I acknowledge that I feel that I am just the conduit for some greater being to express thoughts, feelings, and emotions through, I recognize that I also have a choice. I could say, “No”. In times past, when I have resisted writing when the words would begin to stir, I noticed that their prodding would become less intense and less frequent. As was the case before I met, You. You, your soul, spoke to mine. You listened to me. You heard me. You felt my energy. You have come to know my soul. You have inspired me! You have touched me and moved me in ways you may never know. It is because of You, that this book has come to be. And so, with gratitude, with love, and with heartfelt thanks, it is only fitting that I dedicate this first volume of Author of My Soul, to You!
Author of My Soul: Vol. 1 (2020-2024)
Vol. 1
This is the first volume in a second collection of original poems penned by author, T.J. Christoff. T.J. often acknowledges that she is simply the conduit which these words of poetry flow through. Being the very spiritual person that she is, T.J. wanted to honor that aspect of herself as much as possible throughout the construction of this new collection of poems. Whether through the words themselves or the tone they took T.J. believes that you will be able to feel the essence of her soul throughout the pages of this volume as you read the poems that came to her and through her over time.
Color Blind...
Color blind
It's what I choose not to be
To see my world
The most beautifully
Shades of colors
Browns, blacks, yellows, and reds
Olives, and whites
From long hair to bald heads
All shapes and sizes
Some ragged and worn
Others more fit
And nicely adorned
There are those with degrees
From the finest of schools
Some the school of hard knocks
Some breakers of laws and of rules
People determined
To give life their best
While some weary and tired
Just longing for rest
Every difference
Is like a spice to a stew
Adding flavor and seasoning
With a dash of me and a pinch of you
By: T.J. Christoff ©
05/30/2022
Image:
Which Minute?
You ask me how I'm feeling
It's surreal to come to know
I don't know which minute you're speaking of
The one now or just a moment ago?
Each minute seems an eternity at times
A lifetime all its own
Emotions range from numb to explosive
Aggressive behaviors even I don't condone
I search myself for answers
What's really going on?
I don't feel the least bit depressed
Yet there's definitely something wrong
Perhaps it's just my hormones
Causing me all this muss
They've messed me up before
No, my hormones I certainly can't trust!
As I lay here contemplating
This roller coaster way
My mood which seems to fluctuate
As the wind shifts throughout each day
There's one thing that I have noticed
One thing that drew a sneer
The way I feel so deep within
Recalling people who've shown no care
It would seem I'm doing battle
Fighting to avoid becoming what I despise
Yet it is quicksand which consumes him first
The one escaping who hardest tries
Perhaps it's time to surrender
For how long should I resist?
The force within the others
After all, infinity forged that list!
You ask me how I'm feeling
It's surreal to come to know
I don't know which minute you're speaking of
The one now or just a moment ago?
As just since I've been writing
Oh, the places that I've been!
Always one with feelings so deep
I'd share, but where would I begin?
By: T.J. Christoff ©
12/9/2023
0640 hrs.
Image:
https://kievkelvin.com/blog/what-is-an-intercut-in-screenwriting/
Without Condition...
To love myself
Without condition
I sit in awe of what that would mean
Forgiving myself
For mistakes I have made
Forgiving myself for everything
To love myself
Without condition
Oh what a gift that would be
Breaking the chains
That have kept me bound
Setting my spirit free
Loving myself
Without condition
Would feel like a warm summer’s day
Building sandcastles
Listening to ABBA
And singing my cares away
Loving myself
Without condition
What a novel idea that would be
If I would just love myself
Without condition
I just might discover the real me
By: T.J. Christoff ©
01/06/2024
0129 hrs.
Image:
My Ideal…
Humans come and go
Yet they can never stay
Making promises they seldom keep
It seems to always turn out that way
From good intentions rendered
Every promise comes well spent
I used to wish for a better outcome
Until I discovered just how that went
Committing myself to another
Despite always ending up alone
Trying my best to love from a heart
That's been beaten, tattered, and torn
Allowing myself the chance to hope
Perhaps this will be the time
That special someone will come along
The beautiful one I've longed to find
I imagine my ideal
Would look familiar to me
From our time at Heaven's bus stop
It would all come back, you see
At first I'd recall your energy
The energy of your soul
Looking deep into your eyes, now
In that moment I would instantly know
You were my longed-for soul mate
The one I'd been waiting for
Yes, You were my ideal
You were the soul I would most always adore!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
3/19/2024
2147hrs.
The Inevitable Reality of Rejection…
Thinking of you
Has become something I do often
Though I’m not sure how it happened
I know I shouldn’t
The thoughts came slowly at first
Once seemingly random and fleeting
Now they appear frequent and meaningful
Sometimes intruding upon other thoughts
Almost as if they own real estate among them
I long to tell you
Yet I know I must refrain
Maintaining my silence is my safety
What good would it do
To confide in you anyway?
That would surely prove my undoing
No, silence is my voice now
Though it too may speak volumes
There is so much I can never share with you aloud
My heart desires openness
Yet to what avail?
The inevitable reality of rejection?
And again, as so oft before
It is my silence that will protect me
Standing guard at the doors of my tender heart
By: T.J. Christoff ©
3/8/2024
2057hrs.
HERE I AM STILL!!...
How long has it been
Since I've held you like this
Lying cool in my hand before me?
So many times
As the pain silently crept in
It was you that would comfort me most
Your intentions seemed clear
The calmness you brought
Always surprised me
Each time stronger than the time before
Drawing me closer
And closer
Like a security blanket
Thoughts of your power silenced my pain
If only for a moment
Until you became
"No longer an option"
And still...
I know your power
I know your strength
I know your ability to destroy me!
And yet
HERE I AM STILL!!
Trying to heal
One day at a time
You remind me
My choices are not limited to just one!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
2/28/2024
1701hrs.
Image:
Private collection
Deconstructing Me...
I’m deconstructing me
One memory at a time
I’m deconstructing me
Shedding tears through sober rhyme
I’m deconstructing me
As I analyze each part
I’m deconstructing me
And the memories of broken heart
In deconstructing me
The pain of old returns
In deconstructing me
I feel the welling teardrops burn
Deconstructing me
Is not an easy task
Deconstructing me
Means removing hidden masks
Deconstructing me
Takes courage to be sure
As deconstructing me stirs pains
I once thought I could not endure
I’m deconstructing me
To figure out just who I am
I’m deconstructing me
This time without a gun in hand
I’m deconstructing me
I’m facing all the hurt
I’m deconstructing me
Prepared to do the dirty work
I’m deconstructing me
I’m cleaning out my heart
I’m deconstructing me
Trying to make a brand new start
I’m deconstructing me
Though it’s not an easy task
I’m deconstructing me
I hope this pain won’t last
By: T.J. Christoff ©
2/25/2024
2354hrs.
Where Do They Come From?...
Where do they come from
These tears I cry
Hidden deep beneath
The pain they lie
Like the pressure of a geyser
Slowly building their strength
I must beware their presence
I dare not nod or blink
Sometimes without warning
They'll suddenly appear
Though no danger is lurking
Nor signs of fear
Now a sudden image
Appears before my eyes
On the roadside in front of me
A dead animal lies
I feel the burning
The welling up within
As the tears begin
To form again
I imagine the fear
This animal knew
The pain and suffering
It likely went through
Lying alone
As it's life came to an end
I imagine it's death
As my tears begin again
By: T. J. Christoff ©
For: The countless animals killed on the roadways around the world every day, and left to die alone. We can do better to protect these vulnerable creatures that have been gifted to us!
2/20/2024
1019hrs.
Just Breathe...
Just breathe
When you have those thoughts
You know the ones
Just breathe
When your heart aches
When it feels hard to go on
Just breathe
When the pain overwhelms
Breathe...just breathe
Just breathe
When your thoughts come fast
Yet you know your silence speaks volumes
Just breathe
As you contain your feelings
Feelings for someone you've come to admire
Just breathe
When you find your thoughts keep returning
Returning to moments you've shared together
Just breathe
When the restraint of your emotions
Become increasingly more difficult to maintain
Just breathe
When you don't know what else to do
Breathe...just breathe
Just breathe
When your feelings are screaming to be heard
Yet you know you must keep them locked away
Just breathe
Know the timing is always right
And breathe...just breathe
By: T.J. Christoff ©
2/15/2024
1914hrs.
Image:
Murderers of Trees and More...
Their light
Extinguished
One by one
Yet all at once
And those once occupants and dwellers within
Search bewildered
Loved ones lost
This, their man-made "natural" disaster
Over and over
They search overhead and on foot
For homes destroyed
My tears fall silently as I too feel helpless
Open wounds
Scars needing years to form
But for these
Displaced, injured and left for dead, for what?
Do I close my eyes
Pretend not to see
No
I don't know that way
How many times
This heart of mine must break
Pieces fall like glitter to the ground
The colors each a flower yet to blossom
And the murderers of these
Trees and more
What awaits them
Shall they be found guiltless?
Do they carry any shame
Do they feel the pain they inflict
Or is this just a job
One deemed, "Well done!?"
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: The Lovers of Trees and More...
2/5/2024
1324hrs.
A Bear Will Eat You...
A bear will eat you, even the parts he doesn't like, because he is hungry.
A bear will eat you, spitting out the parts he doesn't like, because you have come too close to his den where his cubs are sleeping, and he believes he must protect them.
A bear will eat you, spitting out the parts he doesn't like, if he has been tormented by your kind in the past, and now he is choosing to stand his ground.
A bear will eat you for all of these reasons and more. But a bear will NEVER eat you merely because he is a bear.
By: T. J. Christoff ©
2024
Image:
https://www.craiyon.com/image/oKBJ5DoyTySGHfcui47Wyg
Taboo...
My words have fallen silent
More than time or two
Slowing the exchange
Between me and you
My thoughts they keep churning
From dusk until dawn
Mulling over ways
How not to get this all wrong
Allowing imagination
To run all amok
Does nothing to enhance
Course of fate or of luck
You speak of my boundaries
Invisible lines you say you know
Based on what I've told you
From plot of storyline begun to sow
A ruptured alliance
Is not something I fear
Yet the discomfort of my thoughts
Have become painfully real
Was life kind or cruel
The day we first met
That's the question I now ponder
One I won't soon forget
There are so many things
I want to share with you
But I know that to do so
Would be considered taboo
So I maintain my silence
About feelings you needn't know
To other parts of my story
Yes, that's where I'll go
And just as it started
I'll close tight again
The doors of my heart
At this story's end
By: T.J. Christoff ©
1/1/2024
0600hrs.
Your Soul Whispered to Mine...
Come
Lay your head, light on my breast
Let me comfort you while you rest
Here
Let me hold you close
Allow me to ease your stress
There
Feel my energy flow from me
Encircling you and helping you feel renewed
Breathe
Exhaling anxiety and sorrow
Inhaling rejuvenation and strength
Sense
All that is good and pure
Knowing you are safe and secure
Release
Any doubt that you carry
Any fear that lay buried
Embrace
Me, and all the possibilities
Awaiting discoveries
Feel
The energy building between us
It's here to remind us
This
This is what I heard your soul whisper
With love, affection, and tenderness, to mine
By: T. J. Christoff ©
10/5/2024
1012hrs.
Image:
You've Been Noticed...
I'm curious about their origin
The words penned here
Feelings and emotions
Moments before were mere timeless energy
All I need do
Is to think of you
And the words appear
Mysteriously
Like a tidal wave of thoughts
Or a tsunami of feelings
Seemingly competing, yet needing each other
They long to find their place
It is you
It is you they recognize
A familiar look in your eyes
The natural sultriness in your voice they hear
How many times
Will they rearrange
To send their message to you
The meaning they've determined you ought know
One by one as they fall into line
With or without rhyme
They want you to know
You've been noticed
By: T.J. Christoff ©
9/29//2024
1922hrs.
Image:
https://dilbai2wiz.preview-postedstuff.com/V2-WUmd-Z8JP3-qDXL-ZFKeG
Trust the Process...
"Trust the process!"
It's what I just heard
As my thoughts turned to you
Wondering if you'd heard the same words
Nothing ever happens
By mistake or by chance
Every step of our journeys
Choices are made by the soul not circumstance
Battling over decisions
Our souls have already made
Yet within our minds
We choose to debate
What do you feel
In your heart what do you know
Do you feel your soul guiding you
Letting you know it's in control
FEAR is False Evidence
Doing it's best to Appear Real
But when you change how you look at things
Even fear will disappear
So, if you're feeling fearful
Uncertain about what to do
Maybe check in with your soul
It's always been their guiding you!
By: T. J. Christoff ©
9/28/2024
2342hrs.
Image:
Caught by Surprise...
As I awoke this morning
I found myself caught by surprise
I had a very sobering thought
As several tears met my eyes
Until you came into my life
There were things I'd never heard
Words never spoken to me before
Even the thought now seems absurd
Never once do I recall someone saying
"Often, I think of you"
That seems such a simple thing
Surely people do!
You have said many other things
Which have caught me by surprise too
But it's when you speak of aspects of beauty
That I find I'm lost and somewhat confused
Never in my life before
You had come along
Had anyone suggested there was beauty in me
Is it possible you are wrong?
I know that I am kind
That I have a loving heart
I know I care for the simple things
And truly that is just the start
Still it caught me by surprise
That it's taken me so long to see
Before you came along
No one had expressed such words to me
Yes, I was definitely caught by surprise
This morning when I thought of you
When I thought of the kindness of your heart
Your actions, and the words you choose
By: T.J. Christoff ©
9/25//2024
0808hrshrs.
Image:
Some Lessons...
Some lessons
We barely even notice
Like learning to tie our shoes
We come to take them for granted
Some lessons
Appear more significant
Like having forgone an opportunity
To have said, "I love you" before it was too late
Some lessons
Seem to escape us
We're left wondering
What was the point in all of that anyway?
Some lessons
May seem to leave us feeling broken
There may be an ache and emptiness inside
However, the true lesson has yet to be discovered
Some lessons
Come at the cessation of resistance
Only after we have exhausted ourselves in the fight
Allowing the lesson to be revealed
Some lessons
Take many years and perhaps lifetimes to unfold
Their presentation appears convoluted at best
Though this too is often the result of resisting
Some lessons
Some lessons are excruciatingly painful
They are impactful
They are endlessly meaningful
Some lessons
Some lessons are timeless
They are here to remind us
Of the vast importance of kindness and love
By: T. J. Christoff ©
9/23/2024
1618hrs.
Image:
Before They Make Their Way Back Home...
I have to keep going back
I have to keep turning around
I can’t just leave them lying there
Helpless and injured on the ground
I have to keep going back
I have to check over and over again
Just one more time to see
If their life has truly met its end
I can’t just leave them lying there
In pain, scared, and all alone
I have to see if I can help
Before I make my way back home
I have to do my very best
To save the ones I can
For those that I could not save
I only pray they understand
The depth of sorrow I feel inside
Feels more than I can bear
How is it I came to be
Someone with so much care
The number of tears I’ve cried is massive
The ache in my heart immense
The longing to be able to save them all
Overwhelming and deeply intense
Yes, I have to keep going back
I have to keep turning around
I can’t just leave them lying there
Helpless and injured on the ground
No, I can’t just leave them lying there
Feeling scared and all alone
I need them to know that they were loved
Before they make their way back Home
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: All the creatures hit and left for dead on the roadways.
9/21/2024
1049hrs.
Image:
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/pinterest--180847741264826755/
It’s COMPLICATED!...
Caring so much for you is complicated
Yet knowing that to deny my feelings
May be to protect them in this lifetime
Opening my heart to you completely
Is what I want more than anything to be able to do
I wonder if you have reason or desire to do the same
Making funny, happy memories with you
And to be able to make serious ones too
When thinking of you, my thoughts are many and diverse
Possibilities unexplored
Waiting to be discovered and uncovered
By individuals, acquaintances, friends, or more
Laughing with you is easy to do
There is a comfort in being in your presence
You have a lovely playfulness which you exude
It’s COMPLICATED!...
Having these feelings is complicated
Knowing these feelings may well be mine alone
Contemplating, “do I, or do I not?”
Express my deepest feelings for you
As I laugh out loud at the thought, “Too late!”
Attracted to your soul and your physical beauty too
I feel an almost magnetic pull toward you
Yet I only know one way to make the pull of a magnet stop
Tell me, oh tell me won’t you
In knowing what you do
Would you rather that I would, or would not?
Expressing all I feel for you
Wishing I could speak the words out loud
Perhaps someday I might
Disappointed and wishing I could just shout it out!
But…
It’s COMPLICATED!…
By: T.J. Christoff ©
9/15/2024
1437hrs
Image:
When I Think of You…
When I think of you
I imagine you
I imagine you lying quietly as you sleep
When I think of you
I imagine you
Playing gleefully with wee-ones and puppy dogs
When I think of you
I imagine you
Holding meaningful conversations, while wiping tiny little faces
When I think of you
I imagine
All the joy and love you bring to most everything you do
When I think of you
I imagine
You have difficult days too
When I think of you
I imagine for you
Only peace, happiness and love
When I think of you
I imagine for you
Love…much love!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
13 Sept. 2024
0855hrs
Image:
To Be, This Way!…
To know this way
To live this way
Is to be, this way
To think deeply
To care deeply
Is to feel, deeply
To have ached completely
To have feared completely
Is to have known loneliness, completely
To long for passionately
To desire another passionately
Is to love, passionately
To laugh freely
To cry freely
Is to express from the soul, freely
To write this way
To speak this way
Is to be, this way
By: T.J. Christoff ©
9/10/2024
1739hrs
Image:
It's Getting Harder…
It’s getting harder
It’s getting harder to look at you
While keeping my thoughts and feelings for you silent
But I will not waiver
Of this I admit I am not certain
Though I am very well versed at letting go
Letting go is not my will
It is not at all what I desire
Indeed, in my heart for you burns an intense fire
I glance your way
And the beat of my heart begins to slow
Your radiant beauty calms me naturally…completely
I think of you often
I’ve longed to hold you close
To know the warmth of your gentle kiss
I wonder if I am alone in my thoughts
If these feelings exist only within my mind
Or if you too might experience similar musings about me
By: T.J. Christoff ©
9/8/2024
0140hrs
Image:
Early Morning Slumber…
It's early morning once again
As slowly my eyes open
I find my thoughts are of you
Laying relaxed I wonder
Are you lying awake somewhere too
Do you think of me not knowing what to do
I feel myself sigh deeply
My eyes close softly
I imagine you here next to me
It's such a comforting thought
It feels...divinely right!
Like a soft cozy blanket on a cool winter's night
I find thoughts of you to be peaceful to my soul
There's a natural gentleness about your energy
Visions of you produce a calming aura
To know your presence this way once again
Only in this lifetime
This is my burning desire
A deep sigh
Sweet thoughts of you fill my mind
As once more I drift off to slumber
By: T.J. Christoff ©
9/6/2024
0636hrs.
Image:
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/07/08/briefing/sleep-changes-with-age.html
Oh, This Soul…
Oh, this soul
The lives you’ve lived
The stories you hold within
Oh, this soul
Who am I to you
In the grand scheme of it all
Oh, this soul
I long to know where you’ve traveled
All those lifetimes ago
Oh, this soul
To you I must seem so young and naive
Yet to me you feel so old and wise
Oh, this soul
Your experiences are many
I can scarcely imagine them
Oh, this soul
Ever expanding
Your lessons have been immense
Oh, this soul
Though darkness has sought you
You have sought to embody all that is love
Oh, this soul
When did your story first begin
How many lifetimes will your story know an end
By: T. J. Christoff ©
1442hrs
9/1/2024
Image:
https://www.atheistalliance.org/thinking-out-loud/how-to-prove-you-have-a-soul/
It's Hard for Me…
It's hard for me
To care for you
To forgive you
It's hard for me
To understand you
To accept you
It's hard for me
To watch you as you drive away
Without hatred in my heart for you
I don't get how you can knowingly do this
Intentionally kill them
How you can harm them and just leave them for dead
I've witnessed you in action
Veering straight in their direction
Swiftly hitting your mark and then driving off
I've sat in shock and cried for them
I have mourned their senseless loss
I've attempted to save them
I've driven by countless remains
Shaken to the core at the devastating sights left behind
Convinced that even one more loss would be more than I could bear
It's hard for me
Never to have known them
Yet to have loved them so much
It's hard for me
To see their remains
And to wonder if they'd ever known a loving touch
It's hard for me
To care so deeply
And to know that once again I was...too late!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: Manny the turtle, and for all of the other animals intentionally killed or hit and left for dead on the roadways. And a special "Thank You" to Dr. Manning at Pet Smart for taking in Manny and for doing your best to help...whatever that ends up looking like.
8/31/2024
1815hrs.
Image:
Private collection
How My Story Ends…
There's been a shift in your energy
I'm sure you've felt it too
The last few times we've talked
I've sensed a difference in you
Beginning slowly at first
Then progressing noticeably more
Speaking less and less
Words that were spoken more often before
It would seem you've made a choice
Become very selective in what you say
Yet as I think of it I have to wonder
If it hasn't always been that way
The usage of certain types of words
Seems to have helped to lure me in
Leaving me feeling safe and secure
So the business of work could begin
Then something happened
On one side, maybe two
And now the question has come up
What now ought I do
So my feelings now have been tamped down
They've been put back in their place
And I will do my very best
To remove all signs from my face
For what matters to me most
Is just how comfortable are you
And I feel that's being impacted
By what I say and what I do
This doesn't change at all
What I hold for you in my heart
I'm just resigning the joy I've felt
I'm embracing the painful part
For I knew when I first recognized you
That it could happen this way
I just didn't know the time
I knew not when the day
I feel like there is so much left
So much I want to share
How deep runs my affection for you
The width and length of my care
Yet once again I'm reminded
Of just who it is that I am
That this is just my story
And it's how my story ends
By: T.J. Christoff ©
8/6/2024
0723hrs.
Image:
Trusting You…
Trust
It goes against my nature
So why do I want to trust you so much
There are so many reasons why I dare not trust
Each born from the agony of experiences long past
Memories of which live on in my heart and mind
Each day I find myself wondering
Wondering if this will be the day
The day the fear of trusting will finally fade away
I want to trust you
I want to know what it is like
What it is like to be able to trust another completely
I want to let go
To let go of doubt and second-guessing
To be open and receptive to your honesty as a blessing
There’s nothing specific to you
That causes me concern
It is but my own insecurities of which I struggle to discern
Trust
It goes against my nature
So, what is it about you that has me wanting to give it a go
Trusting you
It’s something my heart believes I can do
And something my soul already knows
By: T.J. Christoff ©
7/30/2024
1832hrs
Image:
Encouraging a Butterfly…
Though beauty may be found in catching a butterfly and examining her up close, true love is found by encouraging her to dance on the wind.
By: T.J. Christoff ©
Image:
The Silence in Our Space…
The silence in our space
We both notice when it’s there
It comes in bits and pieces
A sign to me of thought and care
The silence in our space
Yes, we notice when it’s there
The march of words falls absent
Space fills with empty air
For me my mind grows heavy
As emotions fight to become clear
Choosing my words most carefully
As they dance in my mind so near
Feeling a deep connection to you
So oft I believe you know my thoughts
Wanting to speak the words out loud
Weighing do I, or do I not?
Ever mindful of my feelings for you
Yet I keep them locked away
Hopeful that there will come a time
And longing for that day
The day when I can tell you
When the silence will finally cease
When I can tell you how I desire you
A day when my soul can finally know peace
By: T.J. Christoff ©
7/29/2024
1039hrs.
Image:
I'm Exhausted, I'm Battle Worn…
I’m taking my life
One day at a time
Expressing my thoughts
And my feelings in rhyme
Digging down deep
Grabbing the pain at the root
Refusing to live
Each day as if mute
Acknowledging emotions
Stirring deep within me
Unlocking the chains
Setting my sensitive heart free
Keeping in mind
How others might feel
I know what I share
May at times feel surreal
All of my life
I’ve struggled to share
The hurt in my heart
The pain that I bear
But there’s more than just pain
Hiding deep within me
There’s love and compassion
That long to be free
The two are in conflict
They have been for so long
Now the war has to end
I’m exhausted, I'm battle worn
By: T.J. Christoff ©
7/22/2024
1815hrs.
Image:
I Am Grateful…
I want to spend time with you
I want to be in your presence often
I want to get lost in the warmth of your gaze
I want to laugh and talk with you
About everything
And about nothing at all
I want to hold you close
Feeling your heart beating
As it begins to mark time with mine
I want to learn and grow from knowing you
I want you to learn and grow from knowing me too
I want our souls to evolve from what we share
I recognize so many lifetimes
Among the expressions you wear
You are divinely beautiful!
I feel I know so much about you
Yet I know so little of who you are this time around
How is that possible?
I am grateful
I am grateful that I have known you in this lifetime
If only in the limited way that I have
And still, had I passed you on the street
Had I glanced at you for but a second
It would have been better than to have never known you existed
Yes
I am grateful
I am grateful for every experience shared with you
By: T.J. Christoff ©
7//21/2024
1248hrs.
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Evolving...
Here I sit
Motionless
Contemplating the illusion that is
Time
Memories flow quick
Frameless
From a reel of thoughts
Hidden
A heart’s fire
Inspired
The burning coldness of longing
Desire
Shifting emotions surface
Formless
A wounded soul longing healing
Connection
Breathing in life
Exhaling
Pain which causes me strife
Forgiving
Meditative state growing
Knowing
My thoughts create my reality
Mindfulness
Intention and harmony
Balance
A peacefulness resides within me
Intuitively
Embracing the journey
Resolving
Lessons from experiences yet unseen
Evolving
By: T.J. Christoff ©
7/20/2024
1221 hrs.
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With Twin Flame or With None...
Sometimes I sense
It's easy for you
To quell the feelings
That try to come through
I however
Find it difficult you see
To quiet the desires
Which grow deep within me
Where they come from
I'm pretty sure that I know
Some meaningful lost connections
From many lifetimes long ago
Perhaps you're the other half
Of this soul that is me
My twin flame spirit
For so long running free
Like an ember that's been glowing
Deep down within
Just waiting for you
To stir up a flame once again
But it's complicated this time
So I try not to convey
My absolute deepest thoughts
The feelings that won't go away
Sometimes I wonder
What would happen if I quit
Acknowledging my feelings
Would this twin flame remain unlit?
I feel my soul yearning
But there's nothing to be done
So I'll relax and I'll breathe
With twin flame or with none
By: T.J. Christoff ©
7/14/2024
0956 hrs.
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When Disappointment Knocks...
When disappointment knocks
What will you choose to do
Will you let it break your heart
Will you let it leave you subdued
When disappointment knocks
When you feel sadness creeping in
Will you let it overwhelm you
Will you let the sadness win
When disappointment knocks
When it tries to knock you down
Will you dig down deep and find your smile
Or will you surrender to a frown
When disappointment knocks
When it tries to grab hold of you
Will you fight back with everything you've got
Tell me, what will you do
When disappointment knocks
Will you let it come on in
Or will you tell it, "Not this time!"
And, "Don't come 'round here again!"
Disappointment will sometimes knock
But you don't have to let it in
It doesn't have to overwhelm you
Sadness doesn't have to be allowed to win
Disappointment will sometimes knock
It will try to grab hold of you
But you can fight back with all you've got
There are things that you can do
When disappointment knocks
Just remember why you're here
All you've already overcome
How you've stood strong in the face of fear
When disappointment knocks
When you feel it drawing near
Just remind yourself who you truly are
And know you will persevere!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
7/9/2024
1825hrs.
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That Beautiful Soul that Defines You...
It might be easy to believe
I have placed you
High atop a pedestal
It might be easy to mistake my feelings for you
As having kept me
From envisioning a true reality
But I see the good in you
I see the beauty in all you do
Because I consciously choose to
If I want to climb a mountain
I look for the solutions to get me to the top
I'm not blinded by the problems that cause progress to be stopped
Problems will surely come
As problems often do
But it is your beautiful soul that defines you
If you want to know what it is
What it is about you that I'm most truly attracted to
It is that beautiful soul that defines you!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
2 July 2024
0643hrs.
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The Value of My Past...
The value of my past
Becomes worth more every day
As I listen ever closely
To the words that others say
Stories of neglect and abuse
Expressed in varying form
Children lacking expression
Where a smile should ought be worn
I listen as they tell me
Through paucity of word
In tiniest of defeated voice
Barely loud enough to be heard
I listen straight-faced sober
With softness in my tone
Listening to their stories
I recall stories of my own
I see them in their present state
The heavy weight they bear
And despite their struggles I hold out hope
For they've some who've shown they care
I recall at a similar age
Just how alone I felt
With no one safe to talk with then
And the pain which came from a belt
I listen to them tell me
Of the trauma they've endured
Then I dig into my bag of lessons
To help them feel reassured
This cycle of abuse
There seems to be no end
As one report is processed
Another case begins
In order to keep going
For me I have to believe
The lesson is in the pain that is felt
And once learned, the pain will leave.
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: All who have ever know the pain of abuse, in any of its forms
20 June 2024
2125hrs.
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Manipulation...
Manipulation
It's such a bear
Being pulled directionally
By those who act like they care
They smile in your face
Speak words that aren't true
All in an effort
To get closer to you
Hidden agendas
There's one for them all
Careers to build up
Filling space of friends who don't call
They think I trust them
There were times when I tried
Until I realized their intentions
Only to feel betrayal inside
I'm done with that game
It's not one to lose or win
The rules never change
I always get hurt in the end
Go find someone else
Never mind, I will leave
I'm not able to trust you
And I'm tired of being deceived
By: T.J. Christoff ©
18 June 2024
0531hrs.
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When It Gets You in the Feels...
When it gets you in the feels
That's when you know it's for real
That aching in your chest
That's the truth of the "gotcha" test
That tugging at your heart
The weighing on your mind
The drifting of your thoughts
Whether you do or don't have time
The songs that take you back
Stirring emotions like they do
Building up your hopes and dreams
And tearing some down too
Trying to make some sense
Of what has and has not been said
Often left at times confused
Perhaps even feeling a bit of dread
We tend to want what we want fast
But good comes to those who wait
And blessings always come right on time
Not once have they ever been late!
So when you get it in the feels
When emotions grab hold of you
When feelings start to churn and grow
There's just one thing for you to do
Hang on tight and ride that ride
Don't let the unknown undo you
Open your heart and accept your gift
And let the abundance of love flow through!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
18 June 2024
0002hrs.
The Hurt You Inflicted...
I wonder sometimes
Why you didn’t just kill me
Why you didn’t just take my life
If I was so bad
Such a burden on you
If all I did was cause you strife
I was just a kid
I never meant you harm
I tried to do things right
I wish you knew
How I struggle now
To survive has become my plight
To love and to hate you
It’s the war that I wage
The battle that burns within
Every time I try
To build myself up
I feel you tear me back down again!
But I won’t let you
No matter the pain
Nor how hard I must fight
The hurt you inflicted
Upon the child I was
Without exception, it was not right!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
6/16/2024
1225hrs.
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I Know of a Woman...
I know of a woman
She's kind and she's sweet
I'm ever grateful
We were destined to meet
She thinks she's strange
I think she's unique
My curiosity about her
Is continuously piqued
She's gentle and charming
Full of compassion and care
I want to share with her my desires
But I know I don't dare
This woman loves animals
All creatures great and small
Never too busy to help them
She loves them all
I know of a woman
She's adorable and she's smart
Full of joy and of laughter
I can't help but love her heart
This woman is sensitive
She's honest and sincere
I feel deeply her energy
Even when she's not near
This woman loves completely
It's plain to see
Knowing this has touched
A sleeping place within me
We connect on many levels
This woman and me
When I'm in her presence
My spirit soars free
By: T.J. Christoff ©
6/12/2024
1844hrs.
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And then, I Will Rest...
I find myself
Feeling sad today
Thinking back
On my yesterdays
Times long past
Exist only in my mind
Yet the pain and sorrow
So easy to find
Tears fall slow
As memories return
A painful past
From which I learn
How to love
How to forgive
How to receive
And how to give
The ache in my chest
Reminding me
Once I pass from this earth
I’ll finally be free
Free from memories
Free from pain
Free from a desire
To know love again
The tears will stop
The hurting too
Perhaps I might someday
Try life anew
Without the memories
Of painful past
With love abundant
On joyful path
Who am I kidding?
That life’s not for me
I’d feel instantly lost
Unable to see
Such a life
No, it can’t be for me
For it would only confuse
I couldn’t manage it, you see
I was created to absorb
Heartache and pain
If that were not so
Then I feel my life’s been in vain
No, this is my lot
My life’s weary test
So, I will complete this journey
And then, I will rest
By: T.J. Christoff ©
6/12/2024
0833hrs.
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If You Only Knew...
If you only knew
How I adore you
You'd probably blush at the thought
The way you laugh
The softness in your sighs
How you weave together your humor
Your ability to sit
In quietude of space
Your awareness that healing occurs there too
I value every moment
We spend together
I dare say, I cherish everything I sense about you!
The gentleness in your eyes
When you empathize
It softens my heart without your knowing
I value your being
The kindness of your words
Knowing you has inspired within me, new meaning
By: T.J. Christoff ©
6/11/2024
1140hrs.
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Meet Me at the Gallows...
I didn't want to hang that day
On that platform all alone
I didn't want to die that day
I was barely twenty-some years old
With hands bound tight behind my back
Of rope from the hangman's noose I wore
Sent shockwaves coursing through my veins
The likes of which I'd never felt before
A crowd began to gather 'round
Spectators standing near
To see the slave with only moments to live
Soon dangling from a rope in the air
Only days before I'd had a life
A life with family and friends
But you decided you're better than me
That it was time my life should end
I ran away with the others
We went as fast as we could go
We thought that we were finally safe
But there was something we didn't know
Someone had betrayed us
Someone told you where we'd gone
Despite our efforts to make things right
Everything had suddenly gone wrong
Hiding there in the woods
Sleeping with my back against a tree
I woke with a start as I reached for my gun
I had to protect the others and me
In what seemed only moments
Dead bodies littered the ground
The armed horse-riding authorities
Had tied the rest of us in a round
Sitting on the ground
Our backs all facing together
Wrists and ankles bound
There's no talking among one another
Fast forward to the next morning
Where on a platform alone I stand
I'm positioned at a gallows
As I watch my life meet it's end
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: Acknowledgement of one of my past lives
8 June 2024
0156 hrs.
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What Else Can I Do...
It's three-thirty in the morning
As my eyes open slow
With no control of my thoughts
Which direction they go
Seems only a second
Perhaps even less
Until my mind's turned to you
I'm unable to rest
Thoughts fill my head
Of conversations past
Wondering how long
This soul connection might last
I've so much to say
Though I'm unable to speak
Sharing in bite-sized pieces
One might confuse me as meek
I lay here weary
Half drifting to sleep
Steeling my mind for a moment
With sweet thoughts of you next to me
What else can I do
Right now it's all I can find
Not in form but in spirit
You're ever present in my mind
By: T.J. Christoff ©
6/5/2024
0450 hrs.
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A Spiritual Déjà Vu...
I sometimes wonder
About what I feel
If our connection I sense
Is fake or is real
For I've been deceived
At times in my life
And when it happens it feels
I'm being filleted with a knife
I want to trust you
I really, really do
And the senses I’ve had
They've most always held true
Perhaps it's fear of loss
Just now setting in
Those incessant voices
Saying, "You'll never win!"
I dare not tell you
Everything that I've seen
In the eye of my mind
In the depths of my dreams
But I see again a future
Of which you're clearly a part
We're connected mind and soul
Joined in hand and in heart
I believe you have seen it
But to just what degree
Are you able to embrace
Our souls sharing now and eternity
How can I truly know
How can I possibly tell you
Perhaps I'm just a spiritual being
Experiencing a spiritual déjà vu
By: T.J. Christoff ©
4 June 2024
0734 hrs.
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We're Soulfully Connected...
Our souls are indeed connected
I know you feel it too
The question to be asked
Is what now do we do
Do we let physical distance
Keep us far apart
Embracing only a connection
Of soul, mind, and heart
That‘s something I will do
If that is what you wish
Though it saddens me to think
Of all that we would miss
For as much as I am spiritual
I am currently physical too
And my desire's grown much stronger now
For a deeper connection with you
One of love and passion
Showing you comfort and care
Wiping any tears from your eyes
Gently whispering in your ear
Reassuring you in moments
When you find you begin to stumble
Providing you with sustenance
When your belly starts to rumble
Bringing you joy and laughter
In subtle little ways
While holding you ever closer
On your most difficult of days
To be the one you turn to
When no one else understands
I think by now you realize
I'm that soul who truly can
I feel it in my bones
This is where our story re-begins
We're soulfully connected
And our connection has no ends!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
30 May 2024
0725 hrs.
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God Showed Me Today...
God showed me today
Over and over again
Why I have to stay
Why it's not time for my story to end
There were lives for me to save today
More than just a few
There was joy to bring to others today
Receipt of a hug and tears of gratitude
I noticed others laughing today
Enjoying the silly things I do
And excited happy tail wags today
From my K-9's and kitty crew
There was an unexpected appearance today
By a young soul from my past
He was seeking my assistance today
To help him continue along his path
Yes, there were things I needed to do today
There will be things tomorrow too
God, You showed me that I mattered today
You showed how much my life matters to You!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: God
5/23/2024
2224 hrs.
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That Familiar Feeling...
I'm feeling that feeling again
That familiar feeling
The one that starts in my chest
It's that familiar feeling
The one that I feel
Right before the tears begin to well
It's that familiar feeling
The one that I feel
When I'm feeling truly alone
That familiar feeling
The one I feel
Is the feeling of emptiness
I'm feeling out of place again
Still doing my very best
So, why that familiar feeling again?
I feel I don't belong in this world
Not at this time
Am I too late, or too early?
I know there's a reason
For that familiar feeling
Yet for years the reason has eluded me
I won't be undone
By alcohol or gun
Nor the pain of that familiar feeling!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: All who have ever struggled in silence.
5/22/2024
0928 hrs.
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I'm Coming Undone...
I keep looking
I keep turning around
I keep going back
Straining to see
Excitement rises quickly
Replaced by anxiety
Ghastly images
I can't unsee
Now haunting me
Once vibrant and alive
A brutal death they died
Alone, many lay unrecognizable
Some young
Some old
Countless stories left untold
My heart
Connected by invisible thread
To each and every one
Slowly I feel
I'm coming undone
With each one I couldn't save
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: The one's I couldn't save
18 May 2024
1309 hrs.
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A Sweet, Beautiful Soul...
I feel you!
You possess the energy
Of a sweet, beautiful soul
You are kind
You are tender
You are full of love
Your heart's joy
Springs forth from you
Like invisible rays of light
Unseen
But deeply felt
Like the warmth from a long-awaited hug
You speak thoughtfully
You are mindful
Your healing gentleness quietens a wounded heart
Just your presence
Sets my imbalanced energy on course
Back to a balanced level of comfort and peace
The soulfulness of your eyes
Your contagious laughter
The sound of your voice soothes me
One thought of you
A sweet, beautiful soul
Reminds me I have been infinitely blessed!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
5/15/2024
0712hrs.
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Author of My Soul...
Who are you
Authoring the story
The story that has become my life
You knew me
Every beat of my heart
Before I took my first breath
You saw my path
The journey I would make
Long before I could even crawl
The obstacles
Large and small
You've known them all
Mistakes I've made
Decisions I've battled over
Sleepless nights left tossing and turning
You watched me
During every second
Of every moment of my life
As I cried
You sighed knowing
I must keep going to survive
In moments of laughter
You found joy
And perhaps you laughed some too
You are the Author
The Author of My Soul
The story you are writing is me
Each morning at dawn
I choose to go on
Trusting You, the Author of My Soul
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: The Author of My Soul
5/12/2024
1501 hrs.
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You Have My Heart...
You have my heart
Now what will you do
Will you safeguard and treasure it
Will you hide it from view
Will you hold tight and nurture it
As if it were your own
Will you protect it from others
The secrets that should not be shown
Will you love my heart
Every piece that is there
The ones with the bruises
Those that have been shown little care
Will you help mend broken pieces
Where damage has been done
Being gentle and kind
Sharing laughter and fun
And as my heart begins
To mend once again
Will you allow me to love yours
As if time has no end?
May I hold tight it's secrets
As if they were my own
May I protect it from others
The secrets that should not be shown
Will you allow me to love it
Every piece that is there
The ones with the bruises
Those that have been shown little care
May I help mend broken pieces
Where damage has been done
Being gentle and kind
Sharing laughter and fun
And as your heart begins
To mend once again
Will you let me always love you
As if time will not end?
By: T.J. Christoff ©
5/08/2024
1119hrs.
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"It Is What It Is"…
What is meant by, "It is what it is"?
Is "It is what it is" just an out?
If you knew what, "It is what it is", really was
Would, "It is what it is", cause you doubt?
If, "It is what it is", is just a saying
If, "It is what it is", brings you doubt
Then is, "It is what it is", really just what it is?
Or, is there more to be figured out?
Does "It is what it is", bring you comfort
When you're unable to figure things out?
Does "It is what it is", ever cause you to wonder
About what "It is what it is", is all about?
Does, "It is what it is", make you giggle
As you ponder what "It is what it is", truly is?
Or, is "It is what it is" just something you say
Without any idea what it is?
Does "It is what it is", change the subject?
When you don't like what it is you're talking about?
Or, does "It is what it is" sum up your thoughts
So you can move on to something else?
If "It is what it is", was a lesson
What lesson would "It is what it is", have to teach?
If "It is what it is", was a lesson
Perhaps it would be "To each his own, to each!"
By: T.J. Christoff ©
04/24/2024
0126hrs.
Image:
Broken Pieces of Time…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baLuFyx6t8s
I sense that you think you know me
But I can assure you
You know very little of who I truly am
Facets of me perhaps you know a bit
But as with any time piece
To fix it, you must know what makes it tick
So, tell me won't you?
What do you think you know
That I haven't told you myself?
The pain that I feel is real
The anger?
Flows from a lifetime of feeling left, unheard, and unseen
The beating of my broken heart
No longer in perfect rhythm
The missing beats forever lost in time
I am distancing myself
Picking up the pieces
Marching on, minute by minute
Did you know, that this is what I do
What I've always done
When the voices drone on?
I am a warrior
I am a survivor of countless battles
I am resilient despite it all
I watch the hands
As slowly they go, tick-tock, tick-tock
On the imaginary clock in my mind
As each hand passes
The hope for improved circumstances
And with it, broken pieces of time go limping by
By: TJ Christoff ©
4//17/2024
2103 hrs.
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Trust No One!…
Trust
It's not something I do well
It's something I rarely do deeply
You may believe that I trust you
But that would be a mistake
One I would almost expect you to make
My personality is simply complex
I am easy to approach
Yet often difficult to truly understand
I am very straightforward
Except when I'm not
I find circular causality intriguing
I spend much time alone
Contemplating my next move
Mulling over "what if's" to exhaustion
And that's when it happens
The sudden, invisible shaking of a foundation
As it crumbles beneath my feet
The foundation
Which was built on shattered hopes
Empty dreams, lack of trust and so much more
Over and over
This is the song I hear
Playing on repeat ad nauseam
"Trust! Trust no one!", The words continuously repeat
Lest you be,
Extraordinarily disappointed!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: Too many to count
4/15/2024
2336hrs.
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Mental Health Providers…
Changing lives
Touching hearts
By way of unseen forces
Crossing bridges
Mending fences
Helping change and alter courses
Lifting up
Dusting off
Easing pain while quieting hurtful voices
Instilling hope
Building trust
In tiny, bite-sized doses
Sharing kindness
Difficult truths
While creating room for choices
Celebrating successes
Longed for growth
At times enduring difficult losses
By: T.J. Christoff ©
Inspired By: Mental Health Therapists
4/8/2024
2300hrs.
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Voices In My Head…
I'm tired of these voices
Running through my head
Causing great worry
Creating great dread
I wake with anxiety
Filling my chest
I'm losing sleep
Unable to rest
Thoughts of mistakes
Things I fear I've done wrong
With no validation
Nothing concrete to go on
Perhaps they're old tapes
With messages anew
From a painful past
Familiar experiences I've gone through
If that is the case
Some lost memory reel
Then how do I stop it
This pain that I feel
Every night and day
Every day and night
All I feel inside me
Is fight, fight, fight!
Where's that positive soul
The one I used to know
The one with the solutions
Tell me, where did I go?
There are lessons to be learned
And if there's one thing I'm sure
If I wish to survive
Then I will have to endure!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
3/30/2024
2023hrs.
I'm Just the Conduit…
I write these poems
One by one
Expressing feelings
As they come
Joy and anger
Sometimes more
Unfolding stories
Never told before
Emotions pulled
From unseen abyss
Often leaving me bewildered
Or feeling bereft
Words surface at dawn
Sometimes late at night
At times when I'm driving
There's no time that's not right
Sometimes I am shocked
By the words that appear
Penned thoughts of an author
Unseen but most near
For I'm just the conduit
These words are not mine
I've been blessed with the gift
To make them visible in time
To touch someone's life
Perhaps change a heart
To let you know you're not alone
Is where this poem's meant to start
By: T.J. Christoff ©
3/27/2024
1056hrs.
I'm Choosing…
I’m choosing to be
An invulnerable me
The one whose pain
You can no longer see
I’m choosing to display
My invulnerability
Putting my tears away
For a more solitudinarian day
I’m withholding my trust
Building fast my walls
Posting my sentries
Standing them strong, standing them tall!
I’ve already shown
Much more than is safe
I don’t even really know you
Or how you came to fill this space
You come across as charming
Most certainly well versed
No doubt you’re effective
Though I might just be your curse
My anger’s at a flash point
No, I don’t want to share
The truth is right now
I feel I’m lacking in care!
Or perhaps I really do
But don’t want you to know
Lest my vulnerability
Might again begin to show
What difference does it make
When the race is all done
And we’ve all passed from this earth
Will it really matter, who lost or who won?
Perhaps I’m being foolish
Or stubborn at best
All the pain that I carry
If only I could just rest
The turmoil inside me
The fight has no end
Whether memories long past
Or where dwelling begins
I’m angry and sad
Conflicted and worn
Unsure of my purpose
Feeling consumed and forlorn
Feeling violence and rage
Building within
A deep, labored breath
At last, I’m breathing again!
Each breath is clearing
The dense fog from my head
Taking with it the thoughts
That had me walking ‘round here half dead
Oh, but what now
What now will I choose?
To be invulnerable is weakness
Yet when I’m vulnerable, I feel I lose
So many decisions
Yet I know only one’s right
To be vulnerable is to have strength
So, with my vulnerability, I’ll fight!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
3/27/2024
1243hrs.