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T.J. has always had a love of and a spiritual connection to animals and creatures of all sorts. In this upcoming 18-minute video, T.J. shares with you just a tiny fraction of some of those beings that have touched her in some special and often profound ways. Some of these creatures are among those that she was fortunate enough to be able to lend a helping hand to in their moments of distress and need. Some (like the crow in Sedona, AZ) have been caught keeping a mindful watch over her. Some (like "Turk," the Turkey Vulture) were injured and left for dead. Others she simply crossed paths with, stopping long enough to appreciate a gentle touch and a pleasant conversation of sorts. T.J. hopes you find the video enjoyable, and that perhaps you might even find a reason or two to smile. As T.J. reminds us, when it comes to our interactions with the people and creatures we meet along our life's journey, how we choose to treat each of them, big or small, one and all, it all matters!
T.J. was musing recently over how fast time still manages to fly despite our being encumbered by these meat suits we wear. While reflecting, she decided to share this video with you, which gives you a brief glimpse into the life of T.J. ~ Spiritualist, Author, and spirit in varying human form.
Take a few minutes to get to know a bit about T.J., and the journey that has been her life. The bio section may stir some questions for you, so T.J. invites you to hold onto them until you reach the end of the page, and drop her a line. You can also contact T.J. directly at tjchristoff1965@gmail.com
She would love to connect with you!
T.J. began writing poetry at the age of sixteen. Since then, she has published five poetry books (My Patchwork Heart 4 Volume Collection, as well as the Complete Collection), one inspirational book (Today I'm Reminded: 366 Days to Mindfulness and Awakening), and her autobiography (Suicide: One Person's Journey to Making the Choice). She currently has one other book she is working on (The Brat Pact: The Promises We Meant to Keep), and another book or two that she says she keeps getting bits of inspirational thoughts for, but that have not been fully presented to her by her higher self as of yet.
T.J. believes that music is food for the soul. She is often moved emotionally and inspired deeply by music and song lyrics. T.J. believes that music has a direct influence on a persons aura, and the vibrational energy it emits, as well as one's over all mood.
Here T.J. gives you a sneak peek into one of her upcoming books that she is working on. It may be a work of fiction, a new book of poetry, a book of daily inspirational reminders similar to Today I'm Reminded: 366 Days to Mindfulness and Awakening, or something that (at this point) has yet to be imagined. At any rate, T.J. has decided to share pieces of her work as it moves from a gift of inspiration to one of reality. She would love your feedback and invites you to send her a message either through the chat box at the lower right of the screen, or to correspond directly at tjchristoff1965@gmail.com
T.J. has created this "Featured" section to showcase her newest creations one at a time, as they come to her. These new creations may be poems, quotes, or words to live by. In either case, she will highlight them individually in this section, while at the same time including them in whatever section they would otherwise belong to. The featured new creation will remain in this section and will only be removed whenever another new creation has come along to replace it. This will allow T.J.'s readers an easier method for determining what is new from that which might have been on her site for awhile.
T.J. continues to write new poems as she is inspired to do so, and she has decided to share those unpublished poems with all of you. Additionally, on occasion she will come across a poem that she has written in the past that has not been published, or that may hold special meaning for her. In those cases, T.J. may choose to share those poems with you as well. Sometimes T.J. will receive inspired "Words to Live By" as well as new poems. When this happens, she may include the words to live by in this section as well. She hopes you enjoy the advanced look into these poems and words to live by as they appear, and she invites you to contact her with your feedback.
T. J. has written a number of poems in honor of loved ones passed. Regardless of whether they existed in human or animal form, T.J. believes in honoring these souls just the same. She shares those poems with you in this section as a way to continue to keep their spirits alive. She asks that you take a moment to share in the honoring of their sentient existance by reading a poem or two while you are here, while taking time to remember those loved ones that may have passed from your life as well, if you so choose.
T.J. has a blog section where she will stop by on occasion to talk about whatever has captured her innermost musings. This usually occurs when she finds herself in a place of reflection, and she wishes to share with her readers some of the lessons she has learned along her life's journey.
T.J. had her first thoughts of suicide when she was sixteen years old. She would battle those thoughts for much of her life. With each failed intended attempt, it was "Back to the drawing board!" she went. And each time she left the drawing board, her ideations and intentions grew closer and closer to a successful completion of a suicide attempt.
T.J. Is currently working on updating the cover of her autobiography. While she says she has a visual of what she would like it to look like in her mind, she still has to find someone with the artistic abilities to brig it to life. Once she finds that person, Suicide: One Person's Journey to Making the Choice, will have a new look!
T.J. began writing poetry at the age of sixteen years. She will tell you that she is a terrible writer, and that she is always able to tell when a poem has been truly inspired, compared to when she has attempted to do the writing herself. She says that for the longest time she didn't understand why she was chosen to be the conduit for some greater being to pass messages through, but that she is grateful every time she receives a poem that truly gives her pause after it has been penned.
T.J. continues to write poetry as the inspiration moves her. This is the second of her four volume collection.
As the time passes and T.J. moves through her life's journey, her experiences are reflected in the poems that she writes.
The journey progresses in volume four as T.J. continues to make her way through her life experiences, all the while learning and growing.
T.J. decided to compile her four volume poetry collection into one large book for those of her readers that prefer larger print and fewer books (Although she laughs as she says that she can't imagine anyone wanting fewer books! :) In this Complete Collection, T.J. has added a number of poems that had not been previously published in the individual volumes.
Today I'm Reminded: 366 Days to Mindfulness and Awakening is a fun book that T.J. says should be on a coffee table in every home. It reminds the reader to take a moment to be truly present at least once every day. This is done with simple little thoughts, such as, "Today I'm Reminded: When you make it a point to keep doing what makes you happy, you never need a bucket list!", and "Today I'm Reminded: It's none of my business what anyone else thinks of me." T.J. had the foresight to include an extra day to account for leap year!
If you want to make God laugh, tell Him/Her your plans! T.J. never had any intention to make 366 Days to Mindfulness and Awakening a series. However, ever since writing that book, she has been receiving inspiration for a second volume, which resulted in ~ I Am ~ Reconnecting to Your Higher Self: 366 Days to Mindfulness and Awakening. Ever since publishing Today I'm Reminded in Janruary of 2019 on Amazom.com, the book has received nothing less that 5 stars on any of it's reviews! T.J. is hopeful that ~ I Am ~ Reconnecting to Your Higher Self, will do just as well. T.J. invites you to check out this new addition and welcomes your feedback in the chat box on the lower right of your screen or you may contact her at tjchristoff1965@gmail.com.
T.J. has added page numbers at the top left of each page of the website to help you navigate the site more efficiently.
Spirituality is a very big part of T.J.'s life. In fact, she will tell you that it is at the core of who she is. As such, T.J. has chosen to share various aspects of her spirituality with her readers as well. T.J. has recognized that for her, had she not had the spiritual connection that she does, her story would have no doubt turned out with a much more grim ending. She hopes you will find her writings regarding spirituality of interest and of benefit to you, however, she also understands that not everyone has an interest in such things, and invites you to move past that section if you so choose.
T.J. has included a contact form so you can reach out to her with any questions or comments you might have. Please understand that T.J. is all about kindness and respect, and therefore, she will only respond to those messages that refrain from negativity or hostility. T.J. believes that we get back what we put out into the Universe, and therefore, she chooses to refrain from engaging in interactions that do not strive to promote a positive interaction.
You may notice that there are times when it seems that nothing new is appearing on T.J.'s website. Don’t let this lull fool you. It is during this time that T.J.'s inspiration is "UNDER CONSTRUCTION." Inspiration is something that can't be rushed, and T.J. appreciates your patience and understanding during these slower times.
T.J. has added a chat button in the lower right hand corner of the screen. By using this chat feature, you can quickly send a message to T.J., and she will respond as quickly as possible. You can also contact T.J. via email at
T.J. hopes you will enjoy this short video, and that you will take time out of your day today to reflect upon your own life. She understands that everyone's life story is as uniquely different as is the person that recalls the memories of their past, and yet it is her hope that you are all able to find at least one thing to smile about as you reflect on your life today.
T.J. was raised in a military family, and as such, she has spent a great deal of her life relocating from state to state. This constant uprooting was especially difficult for T.J. as a child growing up, as each new move meant upheaval and uncertainty. Leaving old friends (and in one case, her beloved, lost little dog, Sinbad) behind and trying to make new friends at new schools was never easy for the somewhat shy yet gregarious introvert.
When it comes to her personality, T.J. has often considered herself to be a contradiction of terms... kind, yet no-nonsense, funny yet serious, gentle yet tough when necessary, shy and introverted, yet very outgoing and personable. These contradictions, according to T.J., can make it difficult for new acquaintances to know how to take her.
Like a phoenix, T.J. has risen from the ashes of a lifetime filled with hurt, heartache, and loss. Her resiliency, determination, and Spirituality have seen her through the darkness of depression and suicidal ideations.
Despite having documented learning disabilities, T.J. served her country in the United States Air Force and the Army Guard. She earned an Associate's Degree in Electronics Engineering Technology, a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology, and recently completed her Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. T.J. plans to earn a PhD degree in Psychology next. She is also looking forward to returning to seeing clients in a therapeutic environment.
T.J. possesses experience as an instructor from her time in the military and as a law enforcement officer, and she has indicated that she would like to teach at the college or university level.
T.J. Christoff lives in North Carolina with her three absolutely amazing dogs, a cat that T.J. says "pretty much runs the show", and a large tank full of freshwater fish!
T.J. loves all living beings, and she always seems to be rescuing something...frogs, lizards, ladybugs, butterflies, slugs, baby birds or bunnies, baby deer, or some other creature in need of help. Once she even rescued a Turkey Vulture on her way to a job interview!! T.J. still believes that it was her talk of that rescue to the panel of interviewers, and her having mentioned that the vulture was waiting for her in her car to be taken to a rehaber following the interview, which is what really secured her position with that company!
T.J. began writing poetry at the age of 16 years. She will be the first to tell you that the words she writes are not her own, but rather, that she is just a conduit for a much higher source to pass messages though for purposes that are as yet unknown to her.
My Patchwork Heart is just that! It is a heart that has known love, anger, pain, loss, hope, faith and survival. It is a heart that has known many sleepless nights. The result of attempts at picking up its broken pieces, while working desperately to mend itself back together again…all the while, learning and growing.
The poems that make up this collection of original poetry have been written and collected for more than thirty years by the author. As much as possible, they are displayed throughout the pages in the same order in which they were written; A word-map, of sorts, of the author’s journey throughout life, and no doubt a reflection of some of life’s obstacles that many readers of My Patchwork Heart can deeply relate to.
Poems can tell stories through short, succinct verses, while at the same time conveying volumes through relatable, heartfelt imagery. Many of T.J.'s poems are born from her lived experiences. While others are whispered to her soul at twilight, only to be penned at the light of dawn.
The journey continues in Volume 4. As the author evolves, the poems reflect her journey through life. The series of all 4 volumes are also available in one complete collection (see "My Patchwork Heart: Complete Collection 1983 - 2020", at the beginning of this page) which includes a number of additional poems that were previously unpublished.
The complete four volume collection of poems compiled over almost 40 years of the autohor's life have been gathered together in one book. There are even some extra poems that have never been published before included in this collection of poems waiting to be shared with you!
Every day we have the opportunity to experience all of the gifts that make up, life! Too often, however, so much of life often slips right past us without our noticing it. Today I'm Reminded: 366 Days to Mindfulness and Awakening, is a book that is designed to encourage mindfulness every single day, while at the same time, assisting the reader in developing a more awakened sense of self and being.
https://www.amazon.com/Today-Im-Reminded-Mindfulness-Awakening-ebook/dp/B07N388R8H
"~ I Am ~" was designed to help the reader become more mindful over the course of 366 days. Each day starts with the powerful words "I AM", and is followed by one positive word to be meditated on throughout the day. At the bottom of each page is a definition that expresses the meaning that inspired the word.
https://www.amazon.com/Reconnecting-Your-Higher-Self-Mindfulness-ebook/dp/B0CW1JJ5SH
Most of the information concerning spirituality (including updated author aura and chakra information) has been relocated to page 3.
T.J. believes that music is food for the soul. She is often moved emotionally and inspired deeply by music and song lyrics. T.J. created this video five years ago when working with Elli O'Carroll and Missy Richardson as the three were developing their Soul School together. T.J. believes that music has a direct influence on a persons aura, and the vibrational energy it emits, as well as one's over all mood.
p.s.
T.J. says she is aware of, and asks that you please excuse the typo in the video. :)
What is Hypnogely?...
I don’t know about any of you out there, but I have often said that music is food for the soul! Well, that and a good taco or a slice of pizza! But I think there are other things that are also just as important for the growth of the soul, and to me, one of the most important things that I believe the soul thrives on is laughter!
(Continued on page 2)
What Is A "Normal" Response?
WARNING! SENSITIVE CONTENT!
I’ve been thinking about something that I observed happen on May 15th of this year. The experience devastated me in the moment, and every time I think of the event, my heart aches, almost as if it were happening all over again.
(Continued on page 2)
Because T.J. understands that not everyone enjoys reading their books in an electronic format, she also provides her books publishable in the traditional, paperback fashion as well. Her newest book, ~ I Am ~ Reconnecting to Your Higher Self: 366 Days to Mindfulness and Awakening has just been released in digital format and is currently available in paperback on Amazom.com. You can click on the link below (electronic version) to be redirected to Amazon, where the book may be accessed through Kindle Unlimited or is available for purchase as well. T.J. would appreciate your feedback and may be contacted through the chat in the lower righthand corner or your screen, or you may contact her directly at tjchristoff1965@gmail.com.
https://www.amazon.com/Reconnecting-Your-Higher-Self-Mindfulness/dp/B0CY7YPDQ6/ref =tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&dib_tag=se&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.oC6z9NSFJLCpGvP ciByp ZIt0Ws6b R3yUsafR0tLIi2a_FeFF5vo-xuGlrMC823SQ0DFODkJ5fBpgFmrxxomPwhs5ISTwdlnxhI i966D_0kgo0cL_JPsL597joJYni9GO.nbNIObjvLlQUcSziSRcCF3jTmTWkdLDbRMR214ParfU&qid=1711160126&sr=1-1
Ever since the release of Today I'm Reminded: 366 Days to Mindfulness and Awakening,
T. J. has been receiving inspiration for a follow-up volume. Originally, she had no intention of making the book a mulit-volume series, however, she will be the first to say, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans!" So, after receiving ongoing inspiration for a second book of a straight-forward, inspirational nature, T.J. has been working diligently on volume 2 titled, ~ I Am ~ Reconnecting to Your Higher Self: 366 Days to Mindfulness and Awakening.
The book follows the same idea as Today I'm Reminded. However, for each day in this volume, the reader will be given the powerful prompt "I AM" followed by one positive word to meditate on and repeat to themself as they go throughout the business of their day. At the bottom of each page is at least one definition that is in line with what had come to T.J. when she became inspired to add that particular word within the pages of the book. T.J. says that while it's important to "try on" each of the words, she realizes that some of them may not be a good fit for some readers at this point on their journey, and that is just fine. In those cases, she encourages the reader to go back to a previous days word and spend more time embracing it instead.
T.J. notes that words and thoughts, whether spoken or not are forms of energy. The Universal Law of Attraction tells us that what we put out into the universe will come back to us. That is to say, that our thoughts create our reality. When combining the powerful words "I AM" with other positive words, we begin the immediate process of transforming our lives in positive ways. That is what this book is all about. No matter how positive you are already, T.J. hopes that you will enjoy the process of transforming and bringing more positivity into your life, one word and one thought at a time.
Below, T.J. has included a brief sample of what you will see in ~ I Am ~ Reconnecting to Your Highr Self: 366 Days to Mindfulness and Awakening (Vol. 2) [ebook]. She would love your feedback and looks forward to your reviews on Amazon.com once the book is released! You can also contact her directly at tjchristoff1965@gmail.com
Day 1
~ I Am ~
Transparent!
2 a: free from pretense or deceit
c: readily understood
Day 2
~ I Am ~
Worthy!
1 a: having worth or value
Day 3
~ I Am ~
Intelligent!
1 a: having or indicating a high or satisfactory degree of intelligence and mental capacity
2 b: revealing or reflecting good judgement or sound thought
Day 4
~ I Am ~
Attractive!
1 a: arousing interest or pleasure
Day 5
~ I Am ~
Determined!
1 a: having reached a decision : firmly resolved
https://www.amazon.com/Reconnecting-Your-Higher-Self-Mindfulness-ebook/dp/B0CW1JJ5SH
Chapter 1
Another “First Day”
Dawn had yet to rise when Jessie heard her alarm clock go off. She moaned quietly to herself as she rolled over and covered her head with her pillow. Not yet, she thought…it can’t be 6 o’clock already! I just got to sleep for Pete’s sake! From the kitchen she could hear her mother yell to her that it was time to get up. “I’m up!”, she called back, as she stumbled out of bed. Jessie always hated the first day of school, especially when the first day of school meant starting over again, some place new. This would be her first day at her new junior high school. She was entering into the 9th grade and was not at all looking forward to it.
Jessie had two brothers and a sister that were all older than her. She often wondered if they faced similar challenges with adjusting to all of the moves that came with being raised in a military family. No one ever really talked about feelings in her family. If any of her siblings were struggling to adjust, they kept it to themselves, just as Jessie did. Her family was not what you would call a close-knit family by anyone’s standards. It seemed that
there existed this unspoken rule about getting “too close.” It just wasn’t something they did. The love they had for each other seemed to come more as an obligation due to having the same blood running through their veins. To have intimate conversations about real life issues was always off limits. This was true for Jessie and all members of her family. Hugs and displays of affections were by far a rare commodity in the Vonada family!
Are you excited about your first day of school, Jessie’s mother Claire asked, as Jessie made her way to the kitchen table? Wiping the sleep from her eyes, Jessie yawned as she quietly muttered, “Yeah, sure.” Claire knew that Jessie wasn’t happy about having to start all over again in a new home, a new city and a new school. But she felt certain that her youngest child would adapt in time…she always did.
Jessie sat quietly eating her breakfast…runny eggs, half burnt toast and a glass of milk. Her stomach was in knots and there was an ache in her chest. It was all she could do to hold back the tears. She looked at the clock on the wall across the room. Maybe if I stare at it hard enough, I’ll be able to stop time in its tracks and I won’t have to go, Jessie thought to herself. Hypnotized by the ticking second hand, Jessie didn’t notice that the time had slowly slipped away.
Here’s your lunch money, Clare said, as she placed a dollar and fifty cents on the table next to Jessie. Somewhat startled by the break in the silence, Jessie looked at her mom and then at the money, and then back at the clock. Where had the time gone Jessie wondered as she picked up the money and put it into her pocket.
"Have a nice day!", Claire called out as Jessie headed out the door on her way to the bus stop. Her legs felt like lead as she stepped out of the front door. The bus stop was only about a hundred yards from her house, but with each step she took, Jessie could feel her heart beating faster and faster. Her breathing felt labored, and she just knew she would throw up at any second.
As Jessie approached her bus stop, she could see several other kids were already waiting there. They appeared to be talking and laughing as they looked in her direction. Jessie just knew they were talking about and laughing at her. Was it because she wasn’t wearing new clothes like all of the other kids? Was it because she was a bit overweight? Was it the way she walked? Maybe it was something else about her altogether that she hadn’t even realized about herself yet. No, she wasn’t sure what the talking and laughter was about, but she felt certain it was about her.
As she reached the bus stop, Jessie found herself standing off by herself. No one spoke to her directly, but there were whispers and giggles. Jessie took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "This is going to be a very long day!" she thought to herself. The bus finally arrived, and just as Jessie was beginning to seriously think about going back home. When the doors opened, all of the kids at the bus stop made their way onto the bus ahead of Jessie.
When it was Jessie’s turn, she was greeted warmly by the woman sitting in the driver’s seat. “Well Good morning!”, the bus driver exclaimed, as Jessie climbed aboard! "You must be new to Madison Jr. High this year! My name is Samantha, but you can call me Sam," the bus driver said as she smiled at Jessie while holding out her hand to offer a hand shake. Jessie paused for what seemed like forever before sheepishly smiling back while shaking Sam’s hand ever so gingerly. “Hi…my name’s Jessie”, Jessie said in a soft, hesitant manner. Sam nodded in acknowledgement, as she told Jessie that it was nice to meet her.
Jessie took a seat right behind Sam. Even though Sam was a stranger, there was something about her that helped put Jessie at ease…even if only just a little. Was it the kind way in which she had greeted Jessie? Maybe it was the sparkle Jessie noticed in Sam’s eyes as Jessie boarded the bus. Perhaps it was the warmth of Sam’s smile. Jessie wasn’t sure what it was, but she knew there was something different about Sam. Something…curious!
Jessie sat quietly on the bus, mostly staring out the window as Sam continued on with her route. Every time the bus would stop and the door would open to pick up more kids, Jessie would glance toward the door and then either down at the floor in front of her or back out the window; anywhere that would keep her from making eye contact with the other kids as they boarded the bus. At the last stop before arriving at school, the door of the bus swung open again. This time, Jessie watched as all of the kids climbed the two steps onto the bus.
Just as had been the case at Jessie’s bus stop, she noticed that all of the kids were talking with each other and laughing. As the last child stepped up, Jessie heard Sam exclaim again in that very cheerful and welcoming voice. “Good morning!” Jessie noticed Sam holding out her hand, just as she had done with Jessie when she got on the bus. “My name’s Samantha, but you can call me Sam!” she heard Sam say to the boy that was climbing slowly up the steps. The boy reached forward to shake Sam’s hand as he said, “I’m Luke. I’m new here this year.” “Well, it’s sure a pleasure to meet you Luke,” Sam said, and then she looked over her shoulder at Jessie. “This is Jessie…she’s new here this year too!”, Sam said with a smile and a wink.
Luke smiled at Sam and then at Jessie as he walked over and sat down next to Jessie in the seat behind Sam. The doors closed with a slam and the bus was on its way again…next stop…Madison Jr. High School and the start of a new school year!
*****************************************************************************
For the next several minutes, Jessie sat quietly staring out the window, while doing her best to avoid eye contact or conversation with the young man now seated beside her. “So, you’re new this year too huh?”, Luke asked Jessie in an attempt to find some common ground with her. Jessie, still looking out the window replied softly…”Yeah, I’m new here this year. It seems like I’m always new…somewhere.”
Luke couldn’t help noticing that Jessie’s voice trailed off to a virtual whisper when she spoke the word “somewhere.” As Jessie continued gazing out the window, obviously not interested in small talk, Luke also became silent. Jessie’s words were playing over and over again in Luke’s mind. He knew what Jessie had meant, as he too often found himself feeling the same way.
Luke had just turned fifteen years old and had already attended seven different schools in seven different states. His father was a career Army man. Luke and his family had just relocated to Ohio from Georgia two weeks earlier. Luke found himself wondering if perhaps Jessie was a member of the same club as him…he wondered if she was a military Brat too.
Luke’s thoughts were suddenly interrupted as he saw that the bus was pulling up in front of the new school that he and Jessie would be attending this year. The other kids on the bus were already starting to stand up when the bus finally came to a stop and the door swung open with a loud bang.
Luke stood up also, but decided to wait to exit the bus last, as he noticed that Jessie was still sitting down, her eyes now fixed on the class schedule she was holding in her hands. Luke could hear Sam wishing the other kids well on their first day of school as each descended the two steps leading off the bus and then slipping out of sight.
After the last student departed, Luke stepped into the isle and moved toward the door. As he looked back at Jessie, he realized that she still hadn’t moved. Luke looked at Sam, then at Jessie and then back at Sam. Without saying a word, Sam gave Luke a nod and somehow there was an immediate understanding between them that Sam would handle things with Jessie from there. Sam and Luke exchanged smiles before Luke turned to go.
Sam walked over and sat down next to Jessie. As she sat there, Sam began to think back on the many teenagers who had sat in that very seat where she and Jessie were now sitting. Teenagers Sam would come to know exceptionally well over time.
Sam had become very adept at spotting the Brats when she would pull up to their bus stops on her route…especially the ones that had just relocated. She found that they usually existed at one end of the confidence spectrum or the other. Either they were extremely outgoing, or they were noticeably quiet and withdrawn. In either case, what Sam knew from her own personal experience over the years of meeting and getting to know this unique population of young folks, was that most if not all military kids were faced with very difficult struggles; struggles that the kids who weren’t raised in military family's seemed to have a hard time finding ways to understaand or appreciate.
After several minutes, Jessie spoke…”I can’t go in there”, she said softly. “Why not?” Sam asked, hoping Jessie would open up to her. After a short pause, Jessie related to Sam that she was tired of starting over. That she wasn’t good at meeting people and making new friends…that she always felt out of place and “different.”
Jessie said, "I was born into a military family, and I have spent my whole life starting over moving from one place to the next. One of the first things people always ask me is, 'So where are you from?' My response is always, 'Where was I born or where was I raised? I was born in Virginia and raised all over. I’m not from anywhere!' I’ve never had that stability of growing up in one place like other kids have. I don’t have any common ground to allow me to relate to them. I feel like some kind of alien! I try, but even on the rare occasion when I do make a friend or two that I feel accepts me just as I am, I know it’s only a matter of time until my dad will come home from his tour of duty overseas to tell me that in two weeks, we will be moving somewhere else, and I’ll be forced to start all over again.”
Jessie’s voice cracked as she spoke, and when Sam looked at her, she could see the tears welling up in her eyes. This was a young girl in intense emotional pain and Sam knew she had been called upon to help her. Jessie sighed as she looked down at her class schedule again and took a long deep breath. “Okay, I know I don’t have a choice…I guess I better go”, Jessie said as she looked up at Sam and tried to smile. “Hang in there, kiddo…you’re going to be okay,” Sam told her as she stood up while patting Jessie on her shoulder in an attempt to reassure her.
Jessie thanked Sam and then made her way off of the bus. Sam watched Jessie through one of the windows as she headed toward the school building. Watching Jessie disappear into the growing crowd of students reminded Sam of a baby seal that had just been thrown in with a school of hungry sharks…Sam just knew Jessie must have felt as if she was about to be eaten alive, and her only hope for survival today, figuratively speaking of course, would only be the result of a miracle!
*****************************************************************************
Once inside the school, Jessie made a beeline for the first restroom she spotted and the only open stall that was available. Feeling even more like she was going to throw up than when she first left her house less than an hour earlier, Jessie leaned over the opening in the toilet seat, closed her eyes, and began to silently beg the powers that be to keep the flood gates closed.
Jessie detested throwing up almost as much as she hated starting over at a new school, yet the two evils almost always seemed to go hand-in-hand for her. She could feel the sweat beading up on her forehead and her palms were becoming hot and clammy as her mouth began to water. No! NO!! NO!!! “Just breathe,” she told herself…”Just breathe through it.” Then came the rumbling in her stomach. The volcano was about to erupt and Jessie knew there was nothing she could do to stop it. That thought had no sooner occurred to her when she found herself grasping her stomach with one hand and holding onto the wall of the bathroom stall for support with the other. After several moments, Jessie’s stomach started to feel a bit better. She flushed the toilet and went to the sink to rinse the awful taste out of her mouth. Note to self, Jessie thought…never again consume runny eggs, burnt toast and milk on the first day of school!
Jessie pulled herself together the best she could under the circumstances and proceeded to her first class of the day, walking in just before the tardy bell rang. When she walked into the room, there were already kids sitting together in small groups talking and laughing. It was apparent that these kids all knew each other and had a lot of catching up to do after returning from their summer vacation. Jessie surveyed the room. The only open seat left in the class was located in the center of the room right in the front row. Jessie took a seat and silently read the words written on the dry erase board in front of her…”Welcome to 9th grade and the first day of the rest of your life!”
A woman who appeared to be in her mid-thirties walked into the room, closing the door behind her. She was neatly dressed in kakis and a light blue cotton blouse with butterflies on it. She wore hoop earrings and her makeup was tastefully applied. She walked over to the large desk in the front of the room, placing some items she had been carrying with her inside one of the desk drawers. She hadn’t said a word and apparently the students had begun to take notice too, as the entire class had grown suddenly quiet. The woman walked up to the dry erase board and began writing words, in no particular order…just randomly placed on the board:
Fag…Homo…Dyke…Flamer…Lesbo…Butch…Femme…Bi…Drag...Queer...Queen…King…Trans…Hetero…Straight…
The list went on and on, and as Jessie read it, she felt certain she would throw up again!! At first you could have heard a pin drop in that room…but then there were whispers…then giggles…and Jessie once again just knew that the whispers and giggles were about her. A few kids even offered up some words that weren't on the board yet!
The woman at the board finished writing and turned to address the classroom. "My name is Ms. Dunkirk, and this class is called Gender Differences. In short, it's about the study of gender differences and social interactions and disparities between and among various groups and populations of people. Please check your schedules and make sure you are in the correct classroom before we begin." After checking their schedules, two students grabbed their books and quickly departed the classroom while several others kids poked fun at them for being in the wrong class. Jessie hadn’t wanted to enroll in this class, but she needed an elective, and this was the only one that was still available by the time she and her family had relocated to the Madison school district.
Jessie knew from a very young age that she was “different” somehow, but it wasn’t anything that was ever talked about in her family. In fact, if anything it was a topic that was either joked about or ignored altogether.
As Ms. Dunkirk began going over her class syllabus, Jessie found herself in the midst of a mental vacation. Suddenly, she could no longer hear the voice of her teacher. She no longer noticed the other kids sitting around her in the classroom. Somehow Jessie found herself transported eleven years back in time to when she was four years old. She could see herself playing with the little girl next door. Her name was Jill and they were playing "House." Jill had a sandy-blonde ponytail and brown eyes. She had a beautiful smile Jessie recalled. Even at that age, they seemed to understand gender roles, as Jill was the “wife” and Jessie was the “husband.” In their make-believe life of husband and wife, there were duties that each was expected to fulfill as part of their roles as well. For Jill, she was to stay home and take care of their imaginary house while Jessie would pretend to drive to work (located behind their real house), and fulfill the more traditional male role.
Before leaving for work, Jessie and Jill would pretend to kiss goodbye… (Jessie unknowingly smiled to herself as she reached this part of her mental vacation)…but on one particular day, they had accidently gotten too close and had actually kissed! As Jessie “drove off” to work that day, she found herself wondering what had happened?! She smiled to herself again as she remembered the confused excitement she had experienced in that tiny little accidental miscue of a pretend kiss, and the realization that work that day was going to be cut very short, as Jessie’s full attention was suddenly focused on her duties as a husband and her beautiful playmate wife named Jill that was waiting for her at home.
Jessie was abruptly shaken out of her blissful walk down memory lane when she heard a roar of laughter surrounding her. Appearing a bit dazed, she looked up and noticed Ms. Dunkirk staring at her with a wry smile on her face. “Care to join us?”, Ms. Dunkirk asked, as she made direct eye contact with Jessie. Jessie felt her face turn red as she mumbled an apology. Just then the bell rang to end the class and Jessie felt relieved to have made it out without having to contribute to the class discussion, especially since she had no idea what they had been talking about anyway.
Jessie had three more classes, lunch and two study halls yet to go before she would hear the final bell ring for the day. When the bell rang, it was almost as if someone had lifted a giant weight off of her shoulders. The hardest day was finally over! Sure, there would be other things to worry about and struggles to overcome, but the first day was over!
As Jessie made her way on to the bus, she was happy to see Sam once again sitting there in the driver’s seat. Sam smiled at Jessie and she returned the gesture and then took a seat behind Sam just as she had done that morning.
“So, Jessie, how was your day?”, Sam asked as she looked at Jessie in the rearview mirror. Jessie just looked at Sam with half of a smile and said, “Today was the first day of the rest of my life!” Jessie then sat quietly for the remainder of the ride home. Jessie hadn’t noticed that Luke was not on the bus for the ride home.
© 2024
I’m taking my life
One day at a time
Expressing my thoughts
And my feelings in rhyme
Digging down deep
Grabbing the pain at the root
Refusing to live
Each day as if mute
Acknowledging emotions
Stirring deep within me
Unlocking the chains
Setting my sensitive heart free
Keeping in mind
How others might feel
I know what I share
May at times feel surreal
All of my life
I’ve struggled to share
The hurt in my heart
The pain that I bear
But there’s more than just pain
Hiding deep within me
There’s love and compassion
That long to be free
The two are in conflict
They have been for so long
Now the war has to end
I’m exhausted, I'm battle worn
By: T.J. Christoff ©
7/22/2024
1815hrs.
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I want to spend time with you
I want to be in your presence often
I want to get lost in the warmth of your gaze
I want to laugh and talk with you
About everything
And about nothing at all
I want to hold you close
Feeling your heart beating
As it begins to mark time with mine
I want to learn and grow from knowing you
I want you to learn and grow from knowing me too
I want our souls to evolve from what we share
I recognize so many lifetimes
Among the expressions you wear
You are divinely beautiful!
I feel I know so much about you
Yet I know so little of who you are this time around
How is that possible?
I am grateful
I am grateful that I have known you in this lifetime
If only in the limited way that I have
And still, had I passed you on the street
Had I glanced at you for but a second
It would have been better than to have never known you existed
Yes
I am grateful
I am grateful for every experience shared with you
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: Anonymous
7//21/2024
1248hrs.
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Here I sit
Motionless
Contemplating the illusion that is
Time
Memories flow quick
Frameless
From a reel of thoughts
Hidden
A heart’s fire
Inspired
The burning coldness of longing
Desire
Shifting emotions surface
Formless
A wounded soul longing healing
Connection
Breathing in life
Exhaling
Pain which causes me strife
Forgiving
Meditative state growing
Knowing
My thoughts create my reality
Mindfulness
Intention and harmony
Balance
A peacefulness resides within me
Intuitively
Embracing the journey
Resolving
Lessons from experiences yet unseen
Evolving
By: T.J. Christoff ©
7/20/2024
1221 hrs.
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Sometimes I sense
It's easy for you
To quell the feelings
That try to come through
I however
Find it difficult you see
To quiet the desires
Which grow deep within me
Where they come from
I'm pretty sure that I know
Some meaningful lost connections
From many lifetimes long ago
Perhaps you're the other half
Of this soul that is me
My twin flame spirit
For so long running free
Like an ember that's been glowing
Deep down within
Just waiting for you
To stir up a flame once again
But it's complicated this time
So I try not to convey
My absolute deepest thoughts
The feelings that won't go away
Sometimes I wonder
What would happen if I quit
Acknowledging my feelings
Would this twin flame remain unlit?
I feel my soul yearning
But there's nothing to be done
So I'll relax and I'll breathe
With twin flame or with none
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: Anonymous
7/14/2024
0956 hrs.
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When disappointment knocks
What will you choose to do
Will you let it break your heart
Will you let it leave you subdued
When disappointment knocks
When you feel sadness creeping in
Will you let it overwhelm you
Will you let the sadness win
When disappointment knocks
When it tries to knock you down
Will you dig down deep and find your smile
Or will you surrender to a frown
When disappointment knocks
When it tries to grab hold of you
Will you fight back with everything you've got
Tell me, what will you do
When disappointment knocks
Will you let it come on in
Or will you tell it, "Not this time!"
And, "Don't come 'round here again!"
Disappointment will sometimes knock
But you don't have to let it in
It doesn't have to overwhelm you
Sadness doesn't have to be allowed to win
Disappointment will sometimes knock
It will try to grab hold of you
But you can fight back with all you've got
There are things that you can do
When disappointment knocks
Just remember why you're here
All you've already overcome
How you've stood strong in the face of fear
When disappointment knocks
When you feel it drawing near
Just remind yourself who you truly are
And know you will persevere!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
7/9/2024
1825hrs.
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It might be easy to believe
I have placed you
High atop a pedestal
It might be easy to mistake my feelings for you
As having kept me
From envisioning a true reality
But I see the good in you
I see the beauty in all you do
Because I consciously choose to
If I want to climb a mountain
I look for the solutions to get me to the top
I'm not blinded by the problems that cause progress to be stopped
Problems will surely come
As problems often do
But it is your beautiful soul that defines you
If you want to know what it is
What it is about you that I'm most truly attracted to
It is that beautiful soul that defines you!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: Anonymous
2 July 2024
0643hrs.
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The value of my past
Becomes worth more every day
As I listen ever closely
To the words that others say
Stories of neglect and abuse
Expressed in varying form
Children lacking expression
Where a smile should ought be worn
I listen as they tell me
Through paucity of word
In tiniest of defeated voice
Barely loud enough to be heard
I listen straight-faced sober
With softness in my tone
Listening to their stories
I recall stories of my own
I see them in their present state
The heavy weight they bear
And despite their struggles I hold out hope
For they've some who've shown they care
I recall at a similar age
Just how alone I felt
With no one safe to talk with then
And the pain which came from a belt
I listen to them tell me
Of the trauma they've endured
Then I dig into my bag of lessons
To help them feel reassured
This cycle of abuse
There seems to be no end
As one report is processed
Another case begins
In order to keep going
For me I have to believe
The lesson is in the pain that is felt
And once learned, the pain will leave.
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: All who have ever know the pain of abuse, in any of its forms
20 June 2024
2125hrs.
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Manipulation
It's such a bear
Being pulled directionally
By those who act like they care
They smile in your face
Speak words that aren't true
All in an effort
To get closer to you
Hidden agendas
There's one for them all
Careers to build up
Filling space of friends who don't call
They think I trust them
There were times when I tried
Until I realized their intentions
Only to feel betrayal inside
I'm done with that game
It's not one to lose or win
The rules never change
I always get hurt in the end
Go find someone else
Never mind, I will leave
I'm not able to trust you
And I'm tired of being deceived
By: T.J. Christoff ©
18 June 2024
0531hrs.
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When it gets you in the feels
That's when you know it's for real
That aching in your chest
That's the truth of the "gotcha" test
That tugging at your heart
The weighing on your mind
The drifting of your thoughts
Whether you do or don't have time
The songs that take you back
Stirring emotions like they do
Building up your hopes and dreams
And tearing some down too
Trying to make some sense
Of what has and has not been said
Often left at times confused
Perhaps even feeling a bit of dread
We tend to want what we want fast
But good comes to those who wait
And blessings always come right on time
Not once have they ever been late!
So when you get it in the feels
When emotions grab hold of you
When feelings start to churn and grow
There's just one thing for you to do
Hang on tight and ride that ride
Don't let the unknown undo you
Open your heart and accept your gift
And let the abundance of love flow through!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: Anonymous
18 June 2024
0002hrs.
I wonder sometimes
Why you didn’t just kill me
Why you didn’t just take my life
If I was so bad
Such a burden on you
If all I did was cause you strife
I was just a kid
I never meant you harm
I tried to do things right
I wish you knew
How I struggle now
To survive has become my plight
To love and to hate you
It’s the war that I wage
The battle that burns within
Every time I try
To build myself up
I feel you tear me back down again!
But I won’t let you
No matter the pain
Nor how hard I must fight
The hurt you inflicted
Upon the child I was
Without exception, it was not right!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
6/16/2024
1225hrs.
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I know of a woman
She's kind and she's sweet
I'm ever grateful
We were destined to meet
She thinks she's strange
I think she's unique
My curiosity about her
Is continuously piqued
She's gentle and charming
Full of compassion and care
I want to share with her my desires
But I know I don't dare
This woman loves animals
All creatures great and small
Never too busy to help them
She loves them all
I know of a woman
She's adorable and she's smart
Full of joy and of laughter
I can't help but love her heart
This woman is sensitive
She's honest and sincere
I feel deeply her energy
Even when she's not near
This woman loves completely
It's plain to see
Knowing this has touched
A sleeping place within me
We connect on many levels
This woman and me
When I'm in her presence
My spirit soars free
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: Anonymous
6/12/2024
1844hrs.
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I find myself
Feeling sad today
Thinking back
On my yesterdays
Times long past
Exist only in my mind
Yet the pain and sorrow
So easy to find
Tears fall slow
As memories return
A painful past
From which I learn
How to love
How to forgive
How to receive
And how to give
The ache in my chest
Reminding me
Once I pass from this earth
I’ll finally be free
Free from memories
Free from pain
Free from a desire
To know love again
The tears will stop
The hurting too
Perhaps I might someday
Try life anew
Without the memories
Of painful past
With love abundant
On joyful path
Who am I kidding?
That life’s not for me
I’d feel instantly lost
Unable to see
Such a life
No, it can’t be for me
For it would only confuse
I couldn’t manage it, you see
I was created to absorb
Heartache and pain
If that were not so
Then I feel my life’s been in vain
No, this is my lot
My life’s weary test
So, I will complete this journey
And then, I will rest
By: T.J. Christoff ©
6/12/2024
0833hrs.
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If you only knew
How I adore you
You'd probably blush at the thought
The way you laugh
The softness in your sighs
How you weave together your humor
Your ability to sit
In quietude of space
Your awareness that healing occurs there too
I value every moment
We spend together
I dare say, I cherish everything I sense about you!
The gentleness in your eyes
When you empathize
It softens my heart without your knowing
I value your being
The kindness of your words
Knowing you has inspired within me, new meaning
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: Anonymous
6/11/2024
1140hrs.
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I didn't want to hang that day
On that platform all alone
I didn't want to die that day
I was barely twenty-some years old
With hands bound tight behind my back
Of rope from the hangman's noose I wore
Sent shockwaves coursing through my veins
The likes of which I'd never felt before
A crowd began to gather 'round
Spectators standing near
To see the slave with only moments to live
Soon dangling from a rope in the air
Only days before I'd had a life
A life with family and friends
But you decided you're better than me
That it was time my life should end
I ran away with the others
We went as fast as we could go
We thought that we were finally safe
But there was something we didn't know
Someone had betrayed us
Someone told you where we'd gone
Despite our efforts to make things right
Everything had suddenly gone wrong
Hiding there in the woods
Sleeping with my back against a tree
I woke with a start as I reached for my gun
I had to protect the others and me
In what seemed only moments
Dead bodies littered the ground
The armed horse-riding authorities
Had tied the rest of us in a round
Sitting on the ground
Our backs all facing together
Wrists and ankles bound
There's no talking among one another
Fast forward to the next morning
Where on a platform alone I stand
I'm positioned at a gallows
As I watch my life meet it's end
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: Acknowledgement of one of my past lives
8 June 2024
0156 hrs.
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It's three-thirty in the morning
As my eyes open slow
With no control of my thoughts
Which direction they go
Seems only a second
Perhaps even less
Until my mind's turned to you
I'm unable to rest
Thoughts fill my head
Of conversations past
Wondering how long
This soul connection might last
I've so much to say
Though I'm unable to speak
Sharing in bite-sized pieces
One might confuse me as meek
I lay here weary
Half drifting to sleep
Steeling my mind for a moment
With sweet thoughts of you next to me
What else can I do
Right now it's all I can find
Not in form but in spirit
You're ever present in my mind
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: Anonymous
6/5/2024
0450 hrs.
Image:
I sometimes wonder
About what I feel
If our connection I sense
Is fake or is real
For I've been deceived
At times in my life
And when it happens it feels
I'm being filleted with a knife
I want to trust you
I really, really do
And the senses I’ve had
They've most always held true
Perhaps it's fear of loss
Just now setting in
Those incessant voices
Saying, "You'll never win!"
I dare not tell you
Everything that I've seen
In the eye of my mind
In the depths of my dreams
But I see again a future
Of which you're clearly a part
We're connected mind and soul
Joined in hand and in heart
I believe you have seen it
But to just what degree
Are you able to embrace
Our souls sharing now and eternity
How can I truly know
How can I possibly tell you
Perhaps I'm just a spiritual being
Experiencing a spiritual déjà vu
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: Anonymous
4 June 2024
0734 hrs.
Image:
Our souls are indeed connected
I know you feel it too
The question to be asked
Is what now do we do
Do we let physical distance
Keep us far apart
Embracing only a connection
Of soul, mind, and heart
That‘s something I will do
If that is what you wish
Though it saddens me to think
Of all that we would miss
For as much as I am spiritual
I am currently physical too
And my desire's grown much stronger now
For a deeper connection with you
One of love and passion
Showing you comfort and care
Wiping any tears from your eyes
Gently whispering in your ear
Reassuring you in moments
When you find you begin to stumble
Providing you with sustenance
When your belly starts to rumble
Bringing you joy and laughter
In subtle little ways
While holding you ever closer
On your most difficult of days
To be the one you turn to
When no one else understands
I think by now you realize
I'm that soul who truly can
I feel it in my bones
This is where our story re-begins
We're soulfully connected
And our connection has no ends!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: Anonymous
30 May 2024
0725 hrs.
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God showed me today
Over and over again
Why I have to stay
Why it's not time for my story to end
There were lives for me to save today
More than just a few
There was joy to bring to others today
Receipt of a hug and tears of gratitude
I noticed others laughing today
Enjoying the silly things I do
And excited happy tail wags today
From my K-9's and kitty crew
There was an unexpected appearance today
By a young soul from my past
He was seeking my assistance today
To help him continue along his path
Yes, there were things I needed to do today
There will be things tomorrow too
God, You showed me that I mattered today
You showed how much my life matters to You!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: God
5/23/2024
2224 hrs.
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I'm feeling that feeling again
That familiar feeling
The one that starts in my chest
It's that familiar feeling
The one that I feel
Right before the tears begin to well
It's that familiar feeling
The one that I feel
When I'm feeling truly alone
That familiar feeling
The one I feel
Is the feeling of emptiness
I'm feeling out of place again
Still doing my very best
So, why that familiar feeling again?
I feel I don't belong in this world
Not at this time
Am I too late, or too early?
I know there's a reason
For that familiar feeling
Yet for years the reason has eluded me
I won't be undone
By alcohol or gun
Nor the pain of that familiar feeling!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: All who have ever struggled in silence.
5/22/2024
0928 hrs.
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I keep looking
I keep turning around
I keep going back
Straining to see
Excitement rises quickly
Replaced by anxiety
Ghastly images
I can't unsee
Now haunting me
Once vibrant and alive
A brutal death they died
Alone, many lay unrecognizable
Some young
Some old
Countless stories left untold
My heart
Connected by invisible thread
To each and every one
Slowly I feel
I'm coming undone
With each one I couldn't save
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: The one's I couldn't save
18 May 2024
1309 hrs.
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I feel you!
You possess the energy
Of a sweet, beautiful soul
You are kind
You are tender
You are full of love
Your heart's joy
Springs forth from you
Like invisible rays of light
Unseen
But deeply felt
Like the warmth from a long-awaited hug
You speak thoughtfully
You are mindful
Your healing gentleness quietens a wounded heart
Just your presence
Sets my imbalanced energy on course
Back to a balanced level of comfort and peace
The soulfulness of your eyes
Your contagious laughter
The sound of your voice soothes me
One thought of you
A sweet, beautiful soul
Reminds me I have been infinitely blessed!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: Anonymous
5/15/2024
0712hrs.
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Who are you
Authoring the story
The story that has become my life
You knew me
Every beat of my heart
Before I took my first breath
You saw my path
The journey I would make
Long before I could even crawl
The obstacles
Large and small
You've known them all
Mistakes I've made
Decisions I've battled over
Sleepless nights left tossing and turning
You watched me
During every second
Of every moment of my life
As I cried
You sighed knowing
I must keep going to survive
In moments of laughter
You found joy
And perhaps you laughed some too
You are the Author
The Author of My Soul
The story you are writing is me
Each morning at dawn
I choose to go on
Trusting You, the Author of My Soul
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: The Author of My Soul
5/12/2024
1501 hrs.
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You have my heart
Now what will you do
Will you safeguard and treasure it
Will you hide it from view
Will you hold tight and nurture it
As if it were your own
Will you protect it from others
The secrets that should not be shown
Will you love my heart
Every piece that is there
The ones with the bruises
Those that have been shown little care
Will you help mend broken pieces
Where damage has been done
Being gentle and kind
Sharing laughter and fun
And as my heart begins
To mend once again
Will you allow me to love yours
As if time has no end?
May I hold tight it's secrets
As if they were my own
May I protect it from others
The secrets that should not be shown
Will you allow me to love it
Every piece that is there
The ones with the bruises
Those that have been shown little care
May I help mend broken pieces
Where damage has been done
Being gentle and kind
Sharing laughter and fun
And as your heart begins
To mend once again
Will you let me always love you
As if time will not end?
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: Anonymous
5/08/2024
1119hrs.
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What is meant by, "It is what it is"?
Is "It is what it is" just an out?
If you knew what, "It is what it is", really was
Would, "It is what it is", cause you doubt?
If, "It is what it is", is just a saying
If, "It is what it is", brings you doubt
Then is, "It is what it is", really just what it is?
Or, is there more to be figured out?
Does "It is what it is", bring you comfort
When you're unable to figure things out?
Does "It is what it is", ever cause you to wonder
About what "It is what it is", is all about?
Does, "It is what it is", make you giggle
As you ponder what "It is what it is", truly is?
Or, is "It is what it is" just something you say
Without any idea what it is?
Does "It is what it is", change the subject?
When you don't like what it is you're talking about?
Or, does "It is what it is" sum up your thoughts
So you can move on to something else?
If "It is what it is", was a lesson
What lesson would "It is what it is", have to teach?
If "It is what it is", was a lesson
Perhaps it would be "To each his own, to each!"
By: T.J. Christoff ©
04/24/2024
0126hrs.
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I sense that you think you know me
But I can assure you
You know very little of who I truly am
Facets of me perhaps you know a bit
But as with any time piece
To fix it, you must know what makes it tick
So, tell me won't you?
What do you think you know
That I haven't told you myself?
The pain that I feel is real
The anger?
Flows from a lifetime of feeling left, unheard, and unseen
The beating of my broken heart
No longer in perfect rhythm
The missing beats forever lost in time
I am distancing myself
Picking up the pieces
Marching on, minute by minute
Did you know, that this is what I do
What I've always done
When the voices drone on?
I am a warrior
I am a survivor of countless battles
I am resilient despite it all
I watch the hands
As slowly they go, tick-tock, tick-tock
On the imaginary clock in my mind
As each hand passes
The hope for improved circumstances
And with it, broken pieces of time go limping by
By: TJ Christoff ©
4//17/2024
2103 hrs.
Image:
Trust
It's not something I do well
It's something I rarely do deeply
You may believe that I trust you
But that would be a mistake
One I would almost expect you to make
My personality is simply complex
I am easy to approach
Yet often difficult to truly understand
I am very straightforward
Except when I'm not
I find circular causality intriguing
I spend much time alone
Contemplating my next move
Mulling over "what if's" to exhaustion
And that's when it happens
The sudden, invisible shaking of a foundation
As it crumbles beneath my feet
The foundation
Which was built on shattered hopes
Empty dreams, lack of trust and so much more
Over and over
This is the song I hear
Playing on repeat ad nauseam
"Trust! Trust no one!", The words continuously repeat
Lest you be,
Extraordinarily disappointed!
By: T.J. Christoff ©
For: Too many to count
4/15/2024
2336hrs.
Image:
Changing lives
Touching hearts
By way of unseen forces
Crossing bridges
Mending fences
Helping change and alter courses
Lifting up
Dusting off
Easing pain while quieting hurtful voices
Instilling hope
Building trust
In tiny, bite-sized doses
Sharing kindness
Difficult truths
While creating room for choices
Celebrating successes
Longed for growth
At times enduring difficult losses
By: T.J. Christoff ©
Inspired By: Mental Health Therapists
4/8/2024
2300hrs.
Image:
I'm tired of these voices
Running through my head
Causing great worry
Creating great dread
I wake with anxiety
Filling my chest
I'm losing sleep
Unable to rest
Thoughts of mistakes
Things I fear I've done wrong
With no validation
Nothing concrete to go on
Perhaps they're old tapes
With messages anew
From a painful past
Familiar experiences I've gone through
If that is the case
Some lost memory reel
Then how do I stop it
This pain that I feel
Every night and day
Every day and night
All I feel inside me
Is fight, fight, fight!
Where's that positive soul
The one I used to know
The one with the solutions
Tell me, where did I go?
There are lessons to be learned
And if there's one thing I'm sure
If I wish to survive
Then I will have to endure!
By: T.J. Christoff
© 3/30/2024
2023hrs.
I write these poems
One by one
Expressing feelings
As they come
Joy and anger
Sometimes more
Unfolding stories
Never told before
Emotions pulled
From unseen abyss
Often leaving me bewildered
Or feeling bereft
Words surface at dawn
Sometimes late at night
At times when I'm driving
There's no time that's not right
Sometimes I am shocked
By the words that appear
Penned thoughts of an author
Unseen but most near
For I'm just the conduit
These words are not mine
I've been blessed with the gift
To make them visible in time
To touch someone's life
Perhaps change a heart
To let you know you're not alone
Is where this poem's meant to start
By: T.J. Christoff
© 3/27/2024
1056hrs.
I’m choosing to be
An invulnerable me
The one whose pain
You can no longer see
I’m choosing to display
My invulnerability
Putting my tears away
For a more solitudinarian day
I’m withholding my trust
Building fast my walls
Posting my sentries
Standing them strong, standing them tall!
I’ve already shown
Much more than is safe
I don’t even really know you
Or how you came to fill this space
You come across as charming
Most certainly well versed
No doubt you’re effective
Though I might just be your curse
My anger’s at a flash point
No, I don’t want to share
The truth is right now
I feel I’m lacking in care!
Or perhaps I really do
But don’t want you to know
Lest my vulnerability
Might again begin to show
What difference does it make
When the race is all done
And we’ve all passed from this earth
Will it really matter, who lost or who won?
Perhaps I’m being foolish
Or stubborn at best
All the pain that I carry
If only I could just rest
The turmoil inside me
The fight has no end
Whether memories long past
Or where dwelling begins
I’m angry and sad
Conflicted and worn
Unsure of my purpose
Feeling consumed and forlorn
Feeling violence and rage
Building within
A deep, labored breath
At last, I’m breathing again!
Each breath is clearing
The dense fog from my head
Taking with it the thoughts
That had me walking ‘round here half dead
Oh, but what now
What now will I choose?
To be invulnerable is weakness
Yet when I’m vulnerable, I feel I lose
So many decisions
Yet I know only one’s right
To be vulnerable is to have strength
So, with my vulnerability, I’ll fight!
By: T.J. Christoff
Inspired By: Anonymous
© 3/27/2024
1243hrs.
Humans come and go
Yet they can never stay
Making promises they seldom keep
It seems to always turn out that way
From good intentions rendered
Every promise comes well spent
I used to wish for a better outcome
Until I discovered just how that went
Committing myself to another
Despite always ending up alone
Trying my best to love from a heart
That's been beaten, tattered, and torn
Allowing myself the chance to hope
Perhaps this will be the time
That special someone will come along
The beautiful one I've longed to find
I imagine my ideal
Would look familiar to me
From our time at Heaven's bus stop
It would all come back, you see
At first I'd recall your energy
The energy of your soul
Looking deep into your eyes, now
In that moment I would instantly know
You were my longed-for soul mate
The one I'd been waiting for
Yes, You were my ideal
You were the soul I would most always adore!
By: T.J. Christoff
For: Anonymous
© 3/19/2024
2147hrs.
Thinking of you
Has become something I do often
Though I’m not sure how it happened
I know I shouldn’t
The thoughts came slowly at first
Once seemingly random and fleeting
Now they appear frequent and meaningful
Sometimes intruding upon other thoughts
Almost as if they own real estate among them
I long to tell you
Yet I know I must refrain
Maintaining my silence is my safety
What good would it do
To confide in you anyway?
That would surely prove my undoing
No, silence is my voice now
Though it too may speak volumes
There is so much I can never share with you aloud
My heart desires openness
Yet to what avail?
The inevitable reality of rejection?
And again, as so oft before
It is my silence that will protect me
Standing guard at the doors of my tender heart
By: T.J. Christoff
For: Anonymous
© 3/8/2024
2057hrs.
How long has it been
Since I've held you like this
Lying cool in my hand before me?
So many times
As the pain silently crept in
It was you that would comfort me most
Your intentions seemed clear
The calmness you brought
Always surprised me
Each time stronger than the time before
Drawing me closer
And closer
Like a security blanket
Thoughts of your power silenced my pain
If only for a moment
Until you became
"No longer an option"
And still...
I know your power
I know your strength
I know your ability to destroy me!
And yet
HERE I AM STILL!!
Trying to heal
One day at a time
You remind me
My choices are not limited to just one!
By: T.J. Christoff
© 2/28/2024
1701hrs.
I’m deconstructing me
One memory at a time
I’m deconstructing me
Shedding tears through sober rhyme
I’m deconstructing me
As I analyze each part
I’m deconstructing me
And the memories of broken heart
In deconstructing me
The pain of old returns
In deconstructing me
I feel the welling teardrops burn
Deconstructing me
Is not an easy task
Deconstructing me
Means removing hidden masks
Deconstructing me
Takes courage to be sure
As deconstructing me stirs pains
I once thought I could not endure
I’m deconstructing me
To figure out just who I am
I’m deconstructing me
This time without a gun in hand
I’m deconstructing me
I’m facing all the hurt
I’m deconstructing me
Prepared to do the dirty work
I’m deconstructing me
I’m cleaning out my heart
I’m deconstructing me
Trying to make a brand new start
I’m deconstructing me
Though it’s not an easy task
I’m deconstructing me
I hope this pain won’t last
By: T.J. Christoff
© 2/25/2024
2354hrs.
Where do they come from
These tears I cry
Hidden deep beneath
The pain they lie
Like the pressure of a geyser
Slowly building their strength
I must beware their presence
I dare not nod or blink
Sometimes without warning
They'll suddenly appear
Though no danger is lurking
Nor signs of fear
Now a sudden image
Appears before my eyes
On the roadside in front of me
A dead animal lies
I feel the burning
The welling up within
As the tears begin
To form again
I imagine the fear
This animal knew
The pain and suffering
It likely went through
Lying alone
As it's life came to an end
I imagine it's death
As my tears begin again
By: T. J. Christoff
For: The countless animals killed on the roadways around the world every day, and left to die alone. We can do better to protect these vulnerable creatures that have been gifted to us!
© 2/20/2024
1019hrs.
Just breathe
When you have those thoughts
You know the ones
Just breathe
When your heart aches
When it feels hard to go on
Just breathe
When the pain overwhelms
Breathe...just breathe
Just breathe
When your thoughts come fast
Yet you know your silence speaks volumes
Just breathe
As you contain your feelings
Feelings for someone you've come to admire
Just breathe
When you find your thoughts keep returning
Returning to moments you've shared together
Just breathe
When the restraint of your emotions
Become increasingly more difficult to maintain
Just breathe
When you don't know what else to do
Breathe...just breathe
Just breathe
When your feelings are screaming to be heard
Yet you know you must keep them locked away
Just breathe
Know the timing is always right
And breathe...just breathe
By: T.J. Christoff
Inspired By: Anonymous
© 2/15/2024
1914hrs.
Image:
Their light
Extinguished
One by one
Yet all at once
And those once occupants and dwellers within
Search bewildered
Loved ones lost
This, their man-made "natural" disaster
Over and over
They search overhead and on foot
For homes destroyed
My tears fall silently as I too feel helpless
Open wounds
Scars needing years to form
But for these
Displaced, injured and left for dead, for what?
Do I close my eyes
Pretend not to see
No
I don't know that way
How many times
This heart of mine must break
Pieces fall like glitter to the ground
The colors each a flower yet to blossom
And the murderers of these
Trees and more
What awaits them
Shall they be found guiltless?
Do they carry any shame
Do they feel the pain they inflict
Or is this just a job
One deemed, "Well done!?"
By: T.J. Christoff
For: The Lovers of Trees and More...
© 2/5/2024
1324hrs.
A bear will eat you, even the parts he doesn't like, because he is hungry.
A bear will eat you, spitting out the parts he doesn't like, because you have come too close to his den where his cubs are sleeping, and he believes he must protect them.
A bear will eat you, spitting out the parts he doesn't like, if he has been tormented by your kind in the past, and now he is choosing to stand his ground.
A bear will eat you for all of these reasons and more. But a bear will NEVER eat you merely because he is a bear.
By: T. J. Christoff
© 2024
Image:
https://www.craiyon.com/image/oKBJ5DoyTySGHfcui47Wyg
My words have fallen silent
More than time or two
Slowing the exchange
Between me and you
My thoughts they keep churning
From dusk until dawn
Mulling over ways
How not to get this all wrong
Allowing imagination
To run all amok
Does nothing to enhance
Course of fate or of luck
You speak of my boundaries
Invisible lines you say you know
Based on what I've told you
From plot of storyline begun to sow
A ruptured alliance
Is not something I fear
Yet the discomfort of my thoughts
Have become painfully real
Was life kind or cruel
The day we first met
That's the question I now ponder
One I won't soon forget
There are so many things
I want to share with you
But I know that to do so
Would be considered taboo
So I maintain my silence
About feelings you needn't know
To other parts of my story
Yes, that's where I'll go
And just as it started
I'll close tight again
The doors of my heart
At this story's end
By: T.J. Christoff
Inspired By: Anonymous
© 1/1/2024
0600hrs.
Image:
To love myself
Without condition
I sit in awe of what that would mean
Forgiving myself
For mistakes I have made
Forgiving myself for everything
To love myself
Without condition
Oh what a gift that would be
Breaking the chains
That have kept me bound
Setting my spirit free
Loving myself
Without condition
Would feel like a warm summer’s day
Building sandcastles
Listening to ABBA
And singing my cares away
Loving myself
Without condition
What a novel idea that would be
If I would just love myself
Without condition
I just might discover the real me
By: T.J. Christoff
Inspired By: Anonymous
© 01/06/2024
0129 hrs.
Image:
You ask me how I'm feeling
It's surreal to come to know
I don't know which minute you're speaking of
The one now or just a moment ago?
Each minute seems an eternity at times
A lifetime all its own
Emotions range from numb to explosive
Aggressive behaviors even I don't condone
I search myself for answers
What's really going on?
I don't feel the least bit depressed
Yet there's definitely something wrong
Perhaps it's just my hormones
Causing me all this muss
They've messed me up before
No, my hormones I certainly can't trust!
As I lay here contemplating
This roller coaster way
My mood which seems to fluctuate
As the wind shifts throughout each day
There's one thing that I have noticed
One thing that drew a sneer
The way I feel so deep within
Recalling people who've shown no care
It would seem I'm doing battle
Fighting to avoid becoming what I despise
Yet it is quicksand which consumes him first
The one escaping who hardest tries
Perhaps it's time to surrender
For how long should I resist?
The force within the others
After all, infinity forged that list!
You ask me how I'm feeling
It's surreal to come to know
I don't know which minute you're speaking of
The one now or just a moment ago?
As just since I've been writing
Oh, the places that I've been!
Always one with feelings so deep
I'd share, but where would I begin?
By: T.J. Christoff
Inspired by: Anonymous
© 12/9/2023
0640 hrs.
Image:
https://kievkelvin.com/blog/what-is-an-intercut-in-screenwriting/
Color blind
It's what I choose not to be
To see my world
The most beautifully
Shades of colors
Browns, blacks, yellows, and reds
Olives, and whites
From long hair to bald heads
All shapes and sizes
Some ragged and worn
Others more fit
And nicely adorned
There are those with degrees
From the finest of schools
Some the school of hard knocks
Some breakers of laws and of rules
People determined
To give life their best
While some weary and tired
Just longing for rest
Every difference
Is like a spice to a stew
Adding flavor and seasoning
With a dash of me and a pinch of you
By: T.J. Christoff
© 05/30/2022
Image:
I felt you watching
Me today
As I worked to regain my strength
I felt you watching
Me today
As I grimaced, writhed and ached
As I worked to regain
My strength today
I knew my effort 'twas not in vain
I felt you watching
Me today
As I silently whispered your name
I felt you watching
Me today
As I opened that restaurant door
To help someone
Confined to a walker
Wishing somehow I could do more
I felt you watching
Me today
I sensed that you were proud
As I recalled the way
You had shown you cared
I heard your name as I spoke it out loud
I felt you watching
Me today
I longed to see your face
I felt you watching
Me today
Wrapped up in all God’s grace
I felt you watching
Me today
I was blessed to feel you near
As I felt you watching
Me today
I knew there was no need for fear
By: T.J. Christoff
For: Bonnie Mollica
© 1/27/2024
R.I.P.
Image:
Personal collection
I just stopped by
To say “Hello”
To let you know I’m feeling GREAT!
The trip went off
Without a hitch
And Kitty met me at the gate!
I thought at first
There’d been a mistake
As the gates swung open wide
But Kitty nestled
Real close to me
As we made our way inside
The sound of Angels
Singing in chorus
Reminded me of all of you
Of how we became
Such a happy family
Though you had your doubts when I was new!
While it’s true I loved
To chase the cats
Off, and into the woods
I felt such joy
Playing that game
Truth is, I’d do it again if I could!
I loved to camp and play in the snow
But what I really loved most
Was meeting friends I didn’t know
Fluffy and I got along rather well
We loved hanging out together
At the top of the stairwell
And a ride in the car with my head sticking out
Mom singing her songs
It was a great life, there’s no doubt!
Well, Kitty and I have just reached Rainbow Bridge
And the excitement for me
It's just like when you’d restock the fridge!
So, for now I must be going
I'm going to go run, and go play
But there’s nothing to worry about
When the time has come
For your journeys to end
And you find yourselves at the Bridge
You won’t have to look
Or to try and find me
Because I will already have sniffed you out!
By: T.J. Christoff
For: Deb Manning and Charlie
© 10/13/2023
(R.I.P. Charlie – 10/12/2023)
Image:
You've always been "My Bonnie"
You've been others' Bonnie too
You'll always be "My Bonnie"
The mold was broken when God made you
You've a heart full of compassion
Packed in tiny little frame
With eyes of brown that sparkle bright
As you playfully call out names
Your smile is ever enchanting
Dimples 'most deep enough to see through
With laughter always inviting
God went all out when creating you!
Your witty way of teasing others
So central to your charm
You keep all 'round you on tips of toes
Though never meaning any harm
Some who know you call you "family"
The truth is I do too
Looking back I can't begin to imagine
A lifetime without having known you
Yes, you've always been "My Bonnie"
I know you've been others' Bonnie too
But you'll always be "My Bonnie"
And Bonnie, I'll always love you!
By: T.J. Christoff
For: Bonnie Mollica
© 10/08/2023
R.I.P.
Image:
Personal Collection
You were just a little thing
With short wispy, golden mane
Floppy ears of velvet
Darcy was your name
Your eyes were bright yet solemn
As if you’d known great years of pain
But you were just a puppy yet
And Darcy was your name
With brother you were rescued
A chance at brand new start
But Darcy you were still so scared
You thought you had to part
Filled with fear but wanting love
Darcy, you did what you thought best
You found an out and ran for it
Never knowing how you’d be missed
Many searched and called your name
So many prayers were said for you
Perhaps God felt you deserved your rest
Darcy, perhaps you felt it too
You had yourself a brother
Your comfort at the start
But now that you are gone, Darcy
We’ll hold you safely in our hearts
By: T.J. Christoff
For: Darcy
© 8/18/2023
R.I.P.
Imagr:
T.A.R.A.
How do I begin to say
All I’m feeling in my heart
There’s love and joy and pian and sadness
But that is just the start
You showered me with so much love
As you would kiss and nibble my chin
There were so many times you made me laugh
As your zoomies through the house you’d begin
You were such a sweet little soul
Giant heart housed in tiny frame
With eyes as clear and blue as crystal
Sasha Azule became your name
Your journey here on earth was short
But you lived each day so grand
With ever a smile on your soft little muzzle
So oft’ you’d nestle your chin in my hand
Today I had to let you go
Our time together has come to an end
And although my heart is broken now
Memories of you will help it mend
So go now my sweet Sasha girl
Like the dove upon your face
Fly across that Rainbow Bridge
Doing zoomies as you race!
By: T.J. Christoff
For: Sasha Azule
© 9/7/2020
R.I.P.
Image:
Personal Collection
It's odd this feeling
That I feel
When I think of you
Wishing you were here
You reside in a place
Both near yet far
I trust you are well
Wherever you are
I awoke today
To thoughts of you
There was so much about you
That I never knew
When I started to awaken
I could feel you close
Upon opening my eyes
You became like a ghost
The image I'd held
Of you in my mind
Upon opening my eyes
I could scarcely more find
I miss you mom
Yet I hold you close
You may have loved me
But I loved you the most
By: T.J. Christoff
For: Mom
© 12/03/2019
R.I.P.
Image:
Personal Collection
Dad's whistle could be heard
From several blocks away
As a child I heard it countless times
Indicating the end of play
His whistle sent a message
As it echoed loud and clear
"Time to get your fanny home"
As setting sun drew near
Many times I'd tried and failed
To whistle like my dad
Never realizing there would come a day
When not hearing his whistle would make me sad
My dad had just turned eighty
The passing years had taken their toll
As I watched him try to whistle again
No sound off his lips would roll
I felt a sadness in my heart
As I accepted what this meant
Time is but on loan to us all
There's never more to rent
I thank God for the memories
Of a father strong and stern
And his whistle that could turn me fast on my heels
And a home where I could always return
By: T.J. Christoff
For: Dad
© 06/23/2019
R.I.P.
Image:
Personal Collection
There aren't enough words
In the vocabulary of words I speak
To express out loud completely
All the love that you showed me
My devoted little companions
That's what you always were
Ever ready to lend an ear
Yet you never spoke a word
I saw your thoughts in your eyes
You gave your love for free
Devoted faithful companions
You brought out the best in me
I miss the shape of your ears
The way you used to snore
As you chased bunny's in your sleep
You were easy to adore
You've been gone for quite a while now
But we're never far apart
In moments of sadness I whisper your names
And I can feel you in my heart
By: T.J. Christoff
For: Yoda and Glamour
© 4/21/2019
R.I.P.
Image:
Personal Collection
I'd have to watch my step
As she'd lay stretched across the ground
Not wanting to disturb her
I walked softly without a sound
Come thunderstorms I'd hold her
As she'd always tremble in fear
A consequence I'm sure
From what occurred during her first year
She loved her Christmas presents
And spending time with me
But she wasn't happy on Halloween
Dressed up as a bumblebee
She had a special little hop
When she would run and play
And chasing balls was especially fun
Her spirit ran so free
She loved her big red brother
And her yellow sister too
But when I brought the baby home
She knew she had work to do
She became the referee
She broke up every fight
She didn't have much time left
To teach them wrong from right
Her little body was giving up
But she refused to quit
She was holding on as best she could
She needed my help to do it
With all the strength I had
As much as my heart broke
I knew I had to let her go
On my tears I began to choke
I fed her a special meal
Followed by yummy Frosty Paw
Upon finishing her treat, and with sweet smile
She trotted down the hall
I followed quickly behind her
As in her own way she let me know
That now was the time to do it
It was time to let her go
With assistance from her special friends
Gathered all around
We said a prayer while I held her close
As she drifted off so sound
By: T.J. Christoff
For: Hershey Bear
© May 2004
1990 - 21 May 2004
R.I.P.
In loving memory of my sweet Hershey Bear. You were a loving friend and companion. You will never be forgotten. You will live in my heart forever! See you at Rainbow Bridge. I will ALWAYS love you! - Mom
Image:
Personal Collection
Copyright © 2024 Author: T.J. Christoff - All Rights Reserved.
Email Contact: tjchristoff1965@gmail.com