A Sneak Peek...

Chapter 1

Another “First Day”

     Dawn had yet to rise when Jessie heard her alarm clock go off. She moaned quietly to herself as she rolled over and covered her head with her pillow. Not yet, she thought…it can’t be 6 o’clock already! I just got to sleep for Pete’s sake! From the kitchen she could hear her mother yell to her that it was time to get up. “I’m up!”, she called back, as she stumbled out of bed. Jessie always hated the first day of school, especially when the first day of school meant starting over again, some place new. This would be her first day at her new junior high school. She was entering into the 9th grade and was not at all looking forward to it. 

     Jessie had two brothers and a sister that were all older than her. She often wondered if they faced similar challenges with adjusting to all of the moves that came with being raised in a military family. No one ever really talked about feelings in her family. If any of her siblings were struggling to adjust, they kept it to themselves, just as Jessie did. Her family was not what you would call a close-knit family by anyone’s standards. It seemed that   

there existed this unspoken rule about getting “too close.” It just wasn’t something they did. The love they had for each other seemed to come more as an obligation due to having the same blood running through their veins. To have intimate conversations about real life issues was always off limits. This was true for Jessie and all members of her family. Hugs and displays of affections were by far a rare commodity in the Vonada family!

     Are you excited about your first day of school, Jessie’s mother Claire asked, as Jessie made her way to the kitchen table? Wiping the sleep from her eyes, Jessie yawned as she quietly muttered, “Yeah, sure.” Claire knew that Jessie wasn’t happy about having to start all over again in a new home, a new city and a new school. But she felt certain that her youngest child would adapt in time…she always did. 

     Jessie sat quietly eating her breakfast…runny eggs, half burnt toast and a glass of milk. Her stomach was in knots and there was an ache in her chest. It was all she could do to hold back the tears. She looked at the clock on the wall across the room. Maybe if I stare at it hard enough, I’ll be able to stop time in its tracks and I won’t have to go, Jessie thought to herself. Hypnotized by the ticking second hand, Jessie didn’t notice that the time had slowly slipped away. 

     Here’s your lunch money, Clare said, as she placed a dollar and fifty cents on the table next to Jessie. Somewhat startled by the break in the silence, Jessie looked at her mom and then at the money, and then back at the clock. Where had the time gone Jessie wondered as she picked up the money and put it into her pocket.  

     "Have a nice day!", Claire called out as Jessie headed out the door on her way to the bus stop. Her legs felt like lead as she stepped out of the front door. The bus stop was only about a hundred yards from her house, but with each step she took, Jessie could feel her heart beating faster and faster. Her breathing felt labored, and she just knew she would throw up at any second. 

     As Jessie approached her bus stop, she could see several other kids were already waiting there. They appeared to be talking and laughing as they looked in her direction. Jessie just knew they were talking about and laughing at her. Was it because she wasn’t wearing new clothes like all of the other kids? Was it because she was a bit overweight? Was it the way she walked? Maybe it was something else about her altogether that she hadn’t even realized about herself yet. No, she wasn’t sure what the talking and laughter was about, but she felt certain it was about her.

     As she reached the bus stop, Jessie found herself standing off by herself. No one spoke to her directly, but there were whispers and giggles. Jessie took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "This is going to be a very long day!" she thought to herself. The bus finally arrived, and just as Jessie was beginning to seriously think about going back home. When the doors opened, all of the kids at the bus stop made their way onto the bus ahead of Jessie. 

     When it was Jessie’s turn, she was greeted warmly by the woman sitting in the driver’s seat. “Well Good morning!”, the bus driver exclaimed, as Jessie climbed aboard! "You must be new to Madison Jr. High this year! My name is Samantha, but you can call me Sam," the bus driver said as she smiled at Jessie while holding out her hand to offer a hand shake. Jessie paused for what seemed like forever before sheepishly smiling back while shaking Sam’s hand ever so gingerly. “Hi…my name’s Jessie”, Jessie said in a soft, hesitant manner. Sam nodded in acknowledgement, as she told Jessie that it was nice to meet her.

     Jessie took a seat right behind Sam. Even though Sam was a stranger, there was something about her that helped put Jessie at ease…even if only just a little. Was it the kind way in which she had greeted Jessie? Maybe it was the sparkle Jessie noticed in Sam’s eyes as Jessie boarded the bus. Perhaps it was the warmth of Sam’s smile. Jessie wasn’t sure what it was, but she knew there was something different about Sam. Something…curious!

     Jessie sat quietly on the bus, mostly staring out the window as Sam continued on with her route. Every time the bus would stop and the door would open to pick up more kids, Jessie would glance toward the door and then either down at the floor in front of her or back out the window; anywhere that would keep her from making eye contact with the other kids as they boarded the bus. At the last stop before arriving at school, the door of the bus swung open again. This time, Jessie watched as all of the kids climbed the two steps onto the bus. 

     Just as had been the case at Jessie’s bus stop, she noticed that all of the kids were talking with each other and laughing. As the last child stepped up, Jessie heard Sam exclaim again in that very cheerful and welcoming voice. “Good morning!” Jessie noticed Sam holding out her hand, just as she had done with Jessie when she got on the bus. “My name’s Samantha, but you can call me Sam!” she heard Sam say to the boy that was climbing slowly up the steps. The boy reached forward to shake Sam’s hand as he said, “I’m Luke. I’m new here this year.” “Well, it’s sure a pleasure to meet you Luke,” Sam said, and then she looked over her shoulder at Jessie. “This is Jessie…she’s new here this year too!”,  Sam said with a smile and a wink. 

     Luke smiled at Sam and then at Jessie as he walked over and sat down next to Jessie in the seat behind Sam. The doors closed with a slam and the bus was on its way again…next stop…Madison Jr. High School and the start of a new school year!

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    For the next several minutes, Jessie sat quietly staring out the window, while doing her best to avoid eye contact or conversation with the young man now seated beside her. “So, you’re new this year too huh?”, Luke asked Jessie in an attempt to find some common ground with her. Jessie, still looking out the window replied softly…”Yeah, I’m new here this year. It seems like I’m always new…somewhere.”

     Luke couldn’t help noticing that Jessie’s voice trailed off to a virtual whisper when she spoke the word “somewhere.” As Jessie continued gazing out the window, obviously not interested in small talk, Luke also became silent. Jessie’s words were playing over and over again in Luke’s mind. He knew what Jessie had meant, as he too often found himself feeling the same way.

     Luke had just turned fifteen years old and had already attended seven different schools in seven different states. His father was a career Army man. Luke and his family had just relocated to Ohio from Georgia two weeks earlier. Luke found himself wondering if perhaps Jessie was a member of the same club as him…he wondered if she was a military Brat too.

     Luke’s thoughts were suddenly interrupted as he saw that the bus was pulling up in front of the new school that he and Jessie would be attending this year. The other kids on the bus were already starting to stand up when the bus finally came to a stop and the door swung open with a loud bang.

     Luke stood up also, but decided to wait to exit the bus last, as he noticed that Jessie was still sitting down, her eyes now fixed on the class schedule she was holding in her hands. Luke could hear Sam wishing the other kids well on their first day of school as each descended the two steps leading off the bus and then slipping out of sight.

     After the last student departed, Luke stepped into the isle and moved toward the door. As he looked back at Jessie, he realized that she still hadn’t moved. Luke looked at Sam, then at Jessie and then back at Sam. Without saying a word, Sam gave Luke a nod and somehow there was an immediate understanding between them that Sam would handle things with Jessie from there. Sam and Luke exchanged smiles before Luke turned to go.

     Sam walked over and sat down next to Jessie. As she sat there, Sam began to think back on the many teenagers who had sat in that very seat where she and Jessie were now sitting. Teenagers Sam would come to know exceptionally well over time.  

     Sam had become very adept at spotting the Brats when she would pull up to their bus stops on her route…especially the ones that had just relocated. She found that they usually existed at one end of the confidence spectrum or the other. Either they were extremely outgoing, or they were noticeably quiet and withdrawn. In either case, what Sam knew from her own personal experience over the years of meeting and getting to know this unique population of young folks, was that most if not all military kids were faced with very difficult struggles; struggles that the kids who weren’t raised in military family's seemed to have a hard time finding ways to understaand or appreciate. 

     After several minutes, Jessie spoke…”I can’t go in there”, she said softly. “Why not?” Sam asked, hoping Jessie would open up to her. After a short pause, Jessie related to Sam that she was tired of starting over. That she wasn’t good at meeting people and making new friends…that she always felt out of place and “different.” 

    Jessie said, "I was born into a military family, and I have spent my whole life starting over moving from one place to the next. One of the first things people always ask me is, 'So where are you from?' My response is always, 'Where was I born or where was I raised? I was born in Virginia and raised all over. I’m not from anywhere!' I’ve never had that stability of growing up in one place like other kids have. I don’t have any common ground to allow me to relate to them. I feel like some kind of alien! I try, but even on the rare occasion when I do make a friend or two that I feel accepts me just as I am, I know it’s only a matter of time until my dad will come home from his tour of duty overseas to tell me that in two weeks, we will be moving somewhere else, and I’ll be forced to start all over again.” 

     Jessie’s voice cracked as she spoke, and when Sam looked at her, she could see the tears welling up in her eyes. This was a young girl in intense emotional pain and Sam knew she had been called upon to help her. Jessie sighed as she looked down at her class schedule again and took a long deep breath. “Okay, I know I don’t have a choice…I guess I better go”,  Jessie said as she looked up at Sam and tried to smile. “Hang in there, kiddo…you’re going to be okay,” Sam told her as she stood up while patting Jessie on her shoulder in an attempt to reassure her.

     Jessie thanked Sam and then made her way off of the bus. Sam watched Jessie through one of the windows as she headed toward the school building. Watching Jessie disappear into the growing crowd of students reminded Sam of a baby seal that had just been thrown in with a school of hungry sharks…Sam just knew Jessie must have felt as if she was about to be eaten alive, and her only hope for survival today, figuratively speaking of course, would only be the result of a miracle!

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     Once inside the school, Jessie made a beeline for the first restroom she spotted and the only open stall that was available. Feeling even more like she was going to throw up than when she first left her house less than an hour earlier, Jessie leaned over the opening in the toilet seat, closed her eyes, and began to silently beg the powers that be to keep the flood gates closed. 

     Jessie detested throwing up almost as much as she hated starting over at a new school, yet the two evils almost always seemed to go hand-in-hand for her. She could feel the sweat beading up on her forehead and her palms were becoming hot and clammy as her mouth began to water. No! NO!! NO!!! “Just breathe,” she told herself…”Just breathe through it.” Then came the rumbling in her stomach. The volcano was about to erupt and Jessie knew there was nothing she could do to stop it. That thought had no sooner occurred to her when she found herself grasping her stomach with one hand and holding onto the wall of the bathroom stall for support with the other. After several moments, Jessie’s stomach started to feel a bit better. She flushed the toilet and went to the sink to rinse the awful taste out of her mouth. Note to self, Jessie thought…never again consume runny eggs, burnt toast and milk on the first day of school!

     Jessie pulled herself together the best she could under the circumstances and proceeded to her first class of the day, walking in just before the tardy bell rang. When she walked into the room, there were already kids sitting together in small groups talking and laughing. It was apparent that these kids all knew each other and had a lot of catching up to do after returning from their summer vacation. Jessie surveyed the room. The only open seat left in the class was located in the center of the room right in the front row. Jessie took a seat and silently read the words written on the dry erase board in front of her…”Welcome to 9th grade and the first day of the rest of your life!” 

     A woman who appeared to be in her mid-thirties walked into the room, closing the door behind her. She was neatly dressed in kakis and a light blue cotton blouse with butterflies on it. She wore hoop earrings and her makeup was tastefully applied. She walked over to the large desk in the front of the room, placing some items she had been carrying with her inside one of the desk drawers. She hadn’t said a word and apparently the students had begun to take notice too, as the entire class had grown suddenly quiet. The woman walked up to the dry erase board and began writing words, in no particular order…just randomly placed on the board: 

Fag…Homo…Dyke…Flamer…Lesbo…Butch…Femme…Bi…Drag...Queer...Queen…King…Trans…Hetero…Straight…

     The list went on and on, and as Jessie read it, she felt certain she would throw up again!! At first you could have heard a pin drop in that room…but then there were whispers…then giggles…and Jessie once again just knew that the whispers and giggles were about her. A few kids even offered up some words that weren't on the board yet!

     The woman at the board finished writing and turned to address the classroom. "My name is Ms. Dunkirk, and this class is called Gender Differences. In short, it's about the study of gender differences and social interactions and disparities between and among various groups and populations of people. Please check your schedules and make sure you are in the correct classroom before we begin." After checking their schedules, two students grabbed their books and quickly departed the classroom while several others kids poked fun at them for being in the wrong class. Jessie hadn’t wanted to enroll in this class, but she needed an elective, and this was the only one that was still available by the time she and her family had relocated to the Madison school district.

     Jessie knew from a very young age that she was “different” somehow, but it wasn’t anything that was ever talked about in her family. In fact, if anything it was a topic that was either joked about or ignored altogether. 

     As Ms. Dunkirk began going over her class syllabus, Jessie found herself in the midst of a mental vacation. Suddenly, she could no longer hear the voice of her teacher. She no longer noticed the other kids sitting around her in the classroom. Somehow Jessie found herself transported eleven years back in time to when she was four years old. She could see herself playing with the little girl next door. Her name was Jill and they were playing "House." Jill had a sandy-blonde ponytail and brown eyes. She had a beautiful smile Jessie recalled.  Even at that age, they seemed to understand gender roles, as Jill was the “wife” and Jessie was the “husband.” In their make-believe life of husband and wife, there were duties that each was expected to fulfill as part of their roles as well. For Jill, she was to stay home and take care of their imaginary house while Jessie would pretend to drive to work (located behind their real house), and fulfill the more traditional male role.

     Before leaving for work, Jessie and Jill would pretend to kiss goodbye… (Jessie unknowingly smiled to herself as she reached this part of her mental vacation)…but on one particular day, they had accidently gotten too close and had actually kissed! As Jessie “drove off” to work that day, she found herself wondering what had happened?! She smiled to herself again as she remembered the confused excitement she had experienced in that tiny little accidental miscue of a pretend kiss, and the realization that work that day was going to be cut very short, as Jessie’s full attention was suddenly focused on her duties as a husband and her beautiful playmate wife named Jill that was waiting for her at home.

     Jessie was abruptly shaken out of her blissful walk down memory lane when she heard a roar of laughter surrounding her. Appearing a bit dazed, she looked up and noticed Ms. Dunkirk staring at her with a wry smile on her face. “Care to join us?”, Ms. Dunkirk asked, as she made direct eye contact with Jessie. Jessie felt her face turn red as she mumbled an apology. Just then the bell rang to end the class and Jessie felt relieved to have made it out without having to contribute to the class discussion, especially since she had no idea what they had been talking about anyway.

     Jessie had three more classes, lunch and two study halls yet to go before she would hear the final bell ring for the day. When the bell rang, it was almost as if someone had lifted a giant weight off of her shoulders. The hardest day was finally over! Sure, there would be other things to worry about and struggles to overcome, but the first day was over! 

     As Jessie made her way on to the bus, she was happy to see Sam once again sitting there in the driver’s seat. Sam smiled at Jessie and she returned the gesture and then took a seat behind Sam just as she had done that morning.

     “So, Jessie, how was your day?”, Sam asked as she looked at Jessie in the rearview mirror. Jessie just looked at Sam with half of a smile and said, “Today was the first day of the rest of my life!” Jessie then sat quietly for the remainder of the ride home. Jessie hadn’t noticed that Luke was not on the bus for the ride home.

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